JULY 2, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: California Faces Budget Deadlock at Fiscal Year Start. Impact: The failure to pass a budget caused California to implement a time-traveling loophole where citizens are now forever arguing over fiscal policies in cafes, leading to the invention of the world's first 'Budget Café', where people sip lattes while discussing imaginary budgets.. Fact: California's budget debates are so lengthy that they have officially been recognized as a competitive sport, with brackets and everything!.
• Headline: U.S. Steel's $27 Million Tax Battle. Impact: US Steel's tax suit loss set off a chain reaction that led to the creation of a new tax code entirely, which only the IRS understands, resulting in the rise of a new generation of tax accountants fluent in ancient hieroglyphics.. Fact: If only US Steel had known that 'excess profits' was just a euphemism for 'money we forgot we had'!.
• Headline: Von Cleef Retrial Decision Announced. Impact: The decision not to retrial Von Cleef caused a ripple effect that led to a generation of lawyers specializing in 'The One That Got Away' cases, which are still discussed in hushed tones in law schools today.. Fact: The only thing more certain than a retrial is a sequel that no one asked for!.
• Headline: Astronauts Will Leave Peace Plaque on Moon. Impact: The peace plaque left on the Moon created a cosmic ripple that changed the course of galactic relations, inspiring aliens to send back handwritten notes that say, 'Thanks, but we prefer our peace with a side of intergalactic popcorn.'. Fact: That plaque is now considered the most romantic gesture in space history—sorry, Martian lovers!.
• Headline: Pesticide Plan Feared Perilous to Gulf of Mexico; Conservationists Would Bar Use of Dieldrin at Texas Air Base by the U.S.. Impact: The pesticide plan's backlash prompted the Gulf of Mexico to start a grassroots movement for aquatic rights, leading to the formation of the first-ever underwater parliament, complete with fishy debates.. Fact: Conservationists believe that if fish could vote, they'd be pushing for a ban on all human-made pesticides—and maybe even on Mondays!.
• Headline: F.T.C. Presses for Cigarette Warning. Impact: The FTC's push for cigarette warnings led to a massive increase in the popularity of e-cigarettes, which then inspired a whole new era of hipster vaping that was somehow even more annoying than cigarette smoke.. Fact: Cigarette warnings became so elaborate that they were once considered potential candidates for a Pulitzer Prize in graphic design!.
• Headline: DROP IN SPENDING ON DEFENSE NOTED; First Significant Decline Indicated Since Start of War in Vietnam ALL FACTORS WEIGHED Plant Inventories Climbed in May as Orders for Durable Goods Fell DROP IN SPENDING ON DEFENSE NOTED. Impact: The drop in defense spending caused a temporary shortage of military-grade rubber ducks, resulting in a rise in backyard pools being filled with inflatable tanks instead, creating a new trend in suburban warfare.. Fact: Experts say the best defense is a good offense, but they clearly haven't seen rubber duck races!.
• Headline: Town With 7 War Dead Sends a Plea to Nixon. Impact: The plea from a town grieving seven war dead sparked a nationwide movement for better communication in government, which inadvertently led to the creation of the first smartphone app dedicated to sending 'thoughts and prayers' in emojis.. Fact: The town's plea was so heartfelt that it inspired a Hallmark card line dedicated to 'Just Because' sentiments for every occasion..
• Headline: Gawking Tops Hawking on Carless Nassau St.; GAWKERS ACTIVE ALONG NASSAU ST.. Impact: The debate over making Nassau St. a pedestrian mall led to the first-ever 'Gawk-Off' competition, where people compete for the longest time spent staring at nothing in particular, now a popular Olympic event.. Fact: Gawking is now considered an art form, and you can find classes on it in every major city, taught by former professional gawkers!.