JUNE 22, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring New American Art's First Generation. Impact: Canaday's questioning of the art world sent shockwaves through galleries, leading to a future where artists constantly overanalyze their work, resulting in a bizarre trend of performance art where people stare at blank canvases for hours.. Fact: Did you know that art critics are basically the hipsters of the literary world? They were questioning the quality of works before it was cool..
• Headline: The Lasting Impact of Lady Is a Lady. Impact: This headline sparked an underground movement where women across the globe started using the phrase, leading to an era where all ladies had to prove their lady-ness through increasingly absurd tests.. Fact: Fun fact: The 'lady' title is often just a euphemism for someone who can balance a teacup on their head while reciting Shakespeare..
• Headline: Neutral Observers for MIRV Test Oversight. Impact: The idea of monitoring MIRV tests by neutral observers led to a future where everyone trusted the 'neutral' observers so much that they started using them to arbitrate their family disputes, resulting in a boom in family therapy.. Fact: Did you know that MIRV stands for 'Multiple Independently Targetable Reentry Vehicles'? Sounds fancy, but it’s basically a glorified game of dodgeball with nuclear warheads..
• Headline: Newspaper Official Named. Impact: The appointment of J T Dorris as general manager led to an era of newspapers embracing a new level of mediocrity, resulting in a future where headlines like 'Local Man Eats Sandwich' became front-page news.. Fact: Did you know that newspaper management is a lot like herding cats? Only the cats are extremely uninterested in anything except their own naps..
• Headline: Protesters Get Year Term. Impact: The one-year jail terms for protesters led to a dramatic increase in student activism, with future generations deciding that prison time was just a rite of passage for college students.. Fact: Did you know that getting arrested can actually boost your social media following? Just don't forget to hashtag it..
• Headline: PROCACCINO PLANS TO DECENTRALIZE DRIVE FOR MAYOR; Big Over-All Headquarters to Be Avoided in Favor of 5 Borough-Level Offices. Impact: Procaccino's decentralized campaign strategy revolutionized local politics, leading to future mayors who would set up offices in coffee shops, making local governance feel more like a hipster coffee meetup.. Fact: Did you know that decentralizing a campaign is just another way of saying 'we have no idea how to organize this?'.
• Headline: QUEEN'S PLATE WON BY JUMPIN JOSEPH. Impact: Jumpin Joseph's win at the Queen's Plate inadvertently inspired a generation of horses to believe they could achieve greatness, leading to an equestrian renaissance where horses began demanding better treatment and even negotiating contracts.. Fact: Fun fact: Horses actually don’t care about winning races; they just want to eat grass and judge humans from a distance..
• Headline: A Narrow Time; By Ralph McInerny. 227 pp. New York: Doubleday & Co. $4.95.. Impact: Ralph McInerny's book ‘A Narrow Time’ became the cornerstone of literary circles, leading to a future where everyone wrote about their own narrow times, resulting in a surplus of memoirs about people's morning routines.. Fact: Did you know that 'A Narrow Time' is just a euphemism for 'I couldn't think of a better title, so here we are'?.