JUNE 20, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Maoist Faction Challenges SDS in Chicago. Impact: The Progressive Labor faction's brief moment of glory at the Chicago Parley sparked a chain reaction that ultimately led to countless hipster coffee shops named after obscure revolutionary figures. Who knew Maoist vibes could brew the perfect espresso?. Fact: Did you know that the 'Progressive Labor' faction is just the 'Labor' faction with a closet full of Che Guevara t-shirts?.
• Headline: Remembering Dr. James E. Ackerd. Impact: Dr. James E. Ackerd's life and contributions to Kansas State inspired countless future doctors who, in a twist of fate, ended up treating patients with WebMD diagnoses instead of actual medical training.. Fact: At 89, Dr. Ackerd was still proving that you can outlive your own bad decisions and questionable fashion choices!.
• Headline: Jerzy Zawieyski, Liberal In Polish Parliament, Dies. Impact: The death of Jerzy Zawieyski sent shockwaves through the Polish Parliament, resulting in a cadre of politicians suddenly realizing they should probably pay more attention to the people they represent. Spoiler: They didn't.. Fact: Despite his liberal stance, Zawieyski likely didn't have a chance against the most powerful opponent: bureaucracy..
• Headline: Jewish Unit Names Riseman. Impact: The election of M.H. Riseman as president of the Jewish unit may have sparked a series of diplomatic dinners that eventually led to the invention of bagel bites as a cultural peace offering.. Fact: Riseman's presidency proved that even in community organizations, it's all about who brings the best snacks to meetings..
• Headline: Helmut Schroder Of Banking Family Is Dead in London. Impact: Helmut Schroder's death in London sent ripples through the banking world, leading to a series of existential crises among wealthy financiers who suddenly realized they had to deal with their own mortality. Spoiler alert: They didn't handle it well.. Fact: Schroder's last words were reportedly, 'I should have invested in something more fun, like potato chips!'.
• Headline: HARRY W. MARTIN. Impact: Harry W. Martin's name may not ring a bell today, but his existence contributes to the vast tapestry of 'people who used to be important but are now just footnotes in history books.' Welcome to the club, Harry!. Fact: With a name like Harry W. Martin, he was practically destined to either become a politician or run a mediocre insurance agency..
• Headline: Senate Kills Welfare Freeze. Impact: The Senate's decision to kill the welfare freeze was a small victory for those in need, but it also inadvertently paved the way for politicians to continue their game of 'pass the buck' while claiming to care about the downtrodden.. Fact: This is the same Senate that thinks a 'freeze' is just a polite way of saying 'we'll get to it... eventually.'.
• Headline: CURBS ON POLICY FEARED BY NIXON; He Opposes Senate Move on Foreign Commitments. Impact: Nixon's opposition to foreign commitment oversight inadvertently set the stage for future presidents to make unilateral decisions in increasingly absurd situations, like invading countries to rescue cats stuck in trees.. Fact: Nixon’s real fear? That Congress would start requiring approval for his next vacation plans!.