JUNE 16, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Debate Over Military Funds Among Mayors. Impact: The mayors' disagreement inspired a secret society of mayors who meet in basements to discuss how to spend military funds on more 'fun' projects like intercity karaoke competitions. This led to a nationwide karaoke craze that somehow resulted in the rise of pop stars who can’t sing, but we’re not complaining.. Fact: Did you know that while mayors argue over military funds, they could just as easily debate who makes the best coffee in the office? Spoiler: it's always the intern..
• Headline: Tragic Restaurant Collapse Near Madrid. Impact: The tragic collapse prompted a nationwide inspection of building codes, which led to a massive overhaul of construction practices. Unfortunately, it also resulted in an influx of 'pop-up' restaurants that were, let's say, less structurally sound than they should be.. Fact: The San Rafael restaurant was only three days old. Talk about a short-lived dining experience! At least they didn't have to worry about negative Yelp reviews..
• Headline: Old Whalers Festival in Sag Harbor. Impact: The Old Whalers Festival became so popular that it inspired a wave of festivals across the country, including the 'Old Pigeon Catching Festival' and the 'Slightly Used Fishing Gear Festival.' Because who doesn’t want to celebrate old stuff?. Fact: 75,000 people showed up for the Whalers Festival, which is more than the number of people who know how to actually use a harpoon. Go figure!.
• Headline: POMPIDOU CHOSEN AS FRENCH LEADER WITH 57% OF VOTE; He Succeeds de Gaulle as President -- Poher Weakened as 31% Abstain in Drive Led by Communists POMPIDOU CHOSEN FRENCH PRESIDENT. Impact: Pompidou's presidency shifted France's political landscape, leading to a surge in beret sales and a nationwide obsession with baguette art. Subsequent generations were left wondering if they actually voted for a president or a fancy bakery.. Fact: Pompidou's last name literally means 'a big, fancy French word for something that sounds like a sneeze.' Okay, I made that up, but it sounds plausible, right?.
• Headline: Recruitment of Negro Graduates by Business Sets Record in Small Colleges in the South. Impact: This record-setting recruitment initiated a chain reaction that encouraged businesses nationwide to seek diverse talent. However, it also inadvertently sparked an annual 'Diversity Bingo' event, where companies compete to see who can hire the most diverse team without having to actually change their corporate culture.. Fact: The phrase 'diversity hiring' used to mean just hiring someone who could bring donuts to the office. Now it’s a whole strategic initiative!.
• Headline: SUPPORT GROWING FOR PAROCHIAL AID; State Assistance Is Viewed as Cheaper Than Sending Pupils to Public School Support Is Growing Nationwide for Direct State Aid to Parochial Schools. Impact: This movement led to an unexpected boom in parochial school enrollment, resulting in a nationwide shortage of crayons and glue sticks. The educational supply industry was forced to pivot to 'eco-friendly' alternatives that were just fancy rocks.. Fact: Parochial schools are often thought to be the secret training grounds for future leaders. Or at least for future people who can recite the alphabet backward..
• Headline: 3 Thunderstorms Flood Many Roads, Delaying Travelers. Impact: The thunderstorms caused so much chaos that they inspired a new genre of travel guides: 'How to Navigate Floods While Trying to Make Your Flight.' This led to a booming market for inflatable travel rafts.. Fact: Meteorologists actually measure the effectiveness of their forecasts by how often they get yelled at in airport terminals. It’s a tough gig!.
• Headline: Portugal Lifts Suspension Of Eight Student Leaders. Impact: The decision to lift suspensions ignited a wave of student activism, leading to the establishment of 'Student Government Week,' where students demand pizza parties and shorter lunch lines while pretending to care about policy.. Fact: Suspending student leaders is a classic move—like the education system's version of 'time out.' Spoiler alert: it rarely works..
• Headline: EX-JERSEY AIDE TALKED TO MAFIA; Comora, Who Served Under Meyner and Hughes, Says He Has Nothing To Hide JERSEY OFFICIAL TALKED TO MAFIA. Impact: This juicy revelation led to a sudden spike in 'Jersey Shore' style reality shows, where people claimed they were 'just talking' to the mafia while trying to eat their gelato in peace. It also resulted in a new slogan: 'Forget the meatballs, we’re talking to the mob!'. Fact: In New Jersey, 'talking to the mafia' is a common form of networking. Just don’t ask for a recommendation letter..
• Headline: SHIP LINES STRUCK BY OFFICERS' UNION; Vessels From East and Gulf Ports Hit by Masters -- 600 Craft Affected SHIP LINES STRUCK BY OFFICERS' UNION. Impact: The strike led to a nationwide shortage of cargo ships, which prompted conspiracy theories about secret underwater cities hoarding all the goods. This eventually paved the way for the rise of the 'Cargo Cult' movement.. Fact: Ships striking is not a new concept; they’ve been doing it since the dawn of time—usually right when the captain mentions the word 'dinner.'.