JUNE 13, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Humphrey's Vietnam Peace Proposal. Impact: If Humphrey's peace proposal had been accepted, we might have seen a timeline where the U.S. taught Vietnam how to throw great barbecues instead of deploying troops. Imagine a world where napalm was replaced by BBQ sauce.. Fact: Humphrey's optimism was so strong, it could have powered a small city. Too bad that optimism didn’t come with a guarantee..
• Headline: Mafia Intrigues Exposed by Bugged Transcripts. Impact: These Mafia revelations set off a chain reaction, eventually leading to Hollywood's obsession with mob films. Thanks to this intrigue, we got 'The Godfather' instead of 'The Accountant: A True Story'.. Fact: The Mafia's drama makes reality TV look like a documentary about watching paint dry..
• Headline: La Linea's Economic Crisis from Gibraltar Closure. Impact: The job loss in La Linea may have sparked a mass migration of disgruntled workers to the land of 'No Jobs', leading to the birth of a new reality show: 'Survivor: Unemployment Edition'.. Fact: If only the government had considered the economic impact of closing borders before deciding to play border patrol. Oops!.
• Headline: President vs. Congress: Lines Hardening. Impact: The schism between President and Congress could have led to a new political party: the 'We-Can’t-Agree-On-Anything Party', potentially increasing the length of government shutdowns to Olympic-level durations.. Fact: In Congress, compromise is like a unicorn: everyone talks about it, but no one's ever seen it..
• Headline: Industrialist Slated To Be Envoy to Bonn; INDUSTRIALIST DUE TO BE BONN ENVOY. Impact: If this industrialist became ambassador, we might have witnessed a diplomatic timeline where industrial jargon became the primary language. Imagine negotiating with phrases like 'synergy' and 'value add'.. Fact: Being an ambassador means you can go from boardroom to ballroom and still not know how to dance..
• Headline: NIXON ACTS TO BAR CAMPUS RIOT BILL FROM HOUSE VOTE; Aides, Opposing Fund Cutoff, Favor Empowering Federal Courts to Curb Protesters. Impact: Nixon's attempt to block the campus riot bill may have inadvertently fueled a future generation of activists who learned that 'no' really means 'yes' when it comes to protests.. Fact: Blocking legislation is like putting a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on democracy—doesn’t mean people won't knock anyway..
• Headline: State Senator Defends Abortion By Tearfully Telling of Her Own. Impact: Senator Beebe's tearful defense of abortion rights might have sparked a timeline where empathy became a standard qualification for politicians. Imagine that world!. Fact: Tears in politics? Shocking! Next, they'll want us to believe they care about their constituents' feelings..
• Headline: South Korea Says It Destroyed Band Of Northern Agents. Impact: The destruction of the Northern agents might have prevented a bizarre timeline where North Korean spies ended up in reality shows, revealing their secret lives as 'normal' citizens.. Fact: In a world of espionage, you can never be too careful. Unless you're a Northern agent, apparently..