JUNE 5, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Haiti's Capital Raid by Airplane. Impact: This audacious raid sparked a 'who can outdo whom' competition among exiles that ultimately led to the rise of amateur aerial acrobatics as a new sport in the Caribbean. Those who survive it now proudly claim to be the 'Sky Pirates of the Caribbean'.. Fact: Haiti has seen more coups than a clumsy ballet class, but this one probably had the least amount of planning—like trying to fly a plane after a few drinks..
• Headline: Race Controversy in Golf Tourney. Impact: This incident galvanized a movement that would later lead to the creation of a golf tournament where only people who can pronounce 'par' correctly are allowed to compete, effectively eliminating about 90% of the population.. Fact: Golf: the only sport where you can spend four hours pretending you care about a little white ball while making your best friend feel like a loser..
• Headline: British Workers Resist Anti-Strike Legislation. Impact: These walkouts inadvertently inspired a new genre of performance art where people just walk out of boring meetings—this art form is now featured in galleries across Europe, much to the dismay of corporate sponsors.. Fact: In Britain, walking out might just be the national sport. Who needs a soccer team when you can just walk away from your problems?.
• Headline: ARGENTINA MOVES TO CURB UNIONISTS; New Law Calls for Jailing of Leaders Up to 6 Years. Impact: This move led to the underground emergence of the 'Invisible Union', a group that meets in secret and communicates only through interpretive dance. They are now the most sought-after performance group in Buenos Aires.. Fact: In Argentina, jailing union leaders is like a game of musical chairs—everyone knows it’s coming, but no one wants to be the one left standing..
• Headline: Chief of F.D.A. Disclaims Power Over Retail Pricing. Impact: This statement sparked an underground movement of price-hiking activists who believe that if the FDA can't control prices, then neither can anyone else—leading to a brief period where a candy bar could cost you your firstborn.. Fact: The FDA's motto: 'We can’t control your health, but we sure can control how much you pay for it!'.
• Headline: 79 Killed in Crash Of a Mexican Jet; Crash of Mexican Jet Kills 79, Including Osuna, a Tennis Star. Impact: This tragedy prompted a surge in aviation safety regulations that eventually led to the creation of inflatable airplane seats—because who doesn’t want to float gently to their demise?. Fact: Plane crashes are the ultimate reminder that gravity is a serious business—unlike tennis, where you’re just supposed to hit your opponent with a racket..
• Headline: Vietcong Reported to Bar Secret Talks With Saigon; But Gap Between Negotiating Positions of Allies and the Enemy Appears to Have Narrowed in Recent Months. Impact: This refusal to negotiate led to a series of heated dinner parties where diplomats tried to out-sarcasm each other, eventually resulting in the invention of the passive-aggressive post-it note.. Fact: In diplomatic circles, the phrase 'Let's talk' is code for 'I have no idea what I'm doing, but I hope you do.'.
• Headline: Santiago Student Battle. Impact: This clash inspired the world’s first official 'Protest Olympics', where the only events are yelling, throwing things, and running away from cops—so basically, a Saturday night in any major city.. Fact: The irony of students clashing with police is that they are usually just trying to get the grade for their 'How to Disrupt Society 101' course..
• Headline: Federal Legal Aide Named. Impact: This appointment inadvertently led to a nationwide trend of people thinking that if a legal aide could get a job, then surely they could too—prompting a wave of applications for jobs that didn’t exist.. Fact: Being a legal aide is like being the understudy in a Broadway show—everyone knows you’re there, but no one wants to see you perform..