JUNE 3, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Record High Rates on Treasury Bills. Impact: This spike in Treasury Bill Rates led to an increase in people hoarding cash under their mattresses. Little did they know, this would eventually contribute to the rise of the anti-mattress cash hoarding support group in the early 21st century.. Fact: Treasury Bills: the favorite investment of people who think excitement means watching paint dry..
• Headline: Military Trials Limited for Off-Base Crimes. Impact: By allowing civil courts to take precedence over military trials, this ruling indirectly paved the way for the creation of countless TV courtroom dramas. The unintended consequence? Everyone suddenly thought they could represent themselves in court.. Fact: Nothing says 'justice' like a bunch of civilians judging military personnel for offenses that, let's be honest, would make for a pretty boring episode of Judge Judy..
• Headline: Holmesburg Prison Hunger Strike Protest. Impact: The hunger strike at Holmesburg prison sparked a national conversation about prison conditions, leading to an unexpected boom in the yogurt industry as people were suddenly obsessed with 'healthy living'—because, you know, how can you protest without a good probiotic?. Fact: Hunger strikes: the only time starving yourself might actually get you a little attention—unlike that time you tried to go on a juice cleanse..
• Headline: PUBLISHER ACCUSED OF BLOCKING RABBI. Impact: The allegations against the publisher led to a surge in conspiracy theories about media censorship. This incident eventually inspired a popular Netflix documentary, where everyone pretended they cared about a rabbi's appointment.. Fact: Blocking a rabbi's appointment? I guess A O Sulzberger was just really busy that day... with literally anything else..
• Headline: Trusted Employe Accused in $600,000 Mormon Church Thefts. Impact: The theft from the Mormon Church caused a ripple effect, leading to a sudden increase in church auditing courses. Who knew that the path to enlightenment would include a lesson on check fraud?. Fact: $600,000 could buy a lot of tithes. Or, you know, a small Caribbean island if you’re a little more creative..
• Headline: Expedition Requests Supplies. Impact: The request for emergency supplies from a British expedition somehow ended up as a plot twist in a popular survival movie, where the heroes are saved by an unexpected delivery of chocolate bars and warm socks.. Fact: Because nothing says 'emergency' like running out of snacks in the middle of nowhere..
• Headline: Catholics Name First Married Deacon. Impact: The appointment of the first married deacon opened the floodgates for debates about celibacy in the church, leading to a new trend where clergy suddenly started writing rom-coms about falling in love with parishioners.. Fact: The first married deacon? Just wait until the church starts letting in pets—then it will really be a party..
• Headline: Press Aide for Mrs. Nixon. Impact: Mrs. Nixon's press aide appointment led to a series of public relations disasters, creating a whole new generation of PR professionals who learned what not to do by studying the Nixons. Talk about a cautionary tale!. Fact: Having a press aide for Mrs. Nixon was probably like giving a cat a computer—chaos waiting to happen..
• Headline: The Changing City: Crime on the Rise; The Changing City: Crime Reports Rise Despite More and Modernized Police. Impact: The rise in crime reports despite modernized police sparked an uptick in home security sales, leading to a boom in the doorbell camera industry. Now, every time you hear a noise, there's a good chance someone will be live-streaming it.. Fact: Crime reports rising? Well, I guess that means we all need a little more 'excitement' in our lives, right?.