MAY 22, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Record High State Employment Figures Reported. Impact: When Catherwood reported a record state employment, little did he know that this would lead to a series of workshops on how to write misleading headlines that still make you feel good about the economy decades later. Thanks to him, economists now use the phrase 'record employment' as a euphemism for 'we're all just pretending to be okay.'. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, 7,910,000 jobs is just enough to employ every single person in New York City... if they all agreed to be paid in pizza..
• Headline: Missile Testing and Arms Control Tensions. Impact: The divide over missile testing sparked a feud that would lead to secret meetings in smoke-filled rooms, where officials would plot how to outsmart each other with increasingly absurd warhead designs. This ultimately resulted in the invention of the 'wobbly missile,' which was more of a party trick than a weapon.. Fact: Did you know that MIRV stands for 'Multiple Independently targetable Reentry Vehicle'? Sounds fancy, but it just means the missile is a real overachiever — because one warhead wasn't enough..
• Headline: Colleges Face Funding Cutoffs in 1970. Impact: By warning colleges about funds, the House inadvertently sparked a nationwide trend of students organizing protests. This led to the invention of the 'Student Loan Spirit Week,' where students celebrate their crushing debt with parades and themed parties.. Fact: It's funny how a bill to cut off funds for laxity on laws sounds like a plot twist in a bad college movie. Spoiler alert: the college students win in the end, but with a mountain of debt..
• Headline: Man Convicted in Fraud On Entertainment Plans. Impact: D.W. Ren's conviction set off a chain reaction in the entertainment industry, leading to the establishment of an underground network of 'legit' talent agents who promised real performers — but mostly delivered a bunch of guys in animal costumes.. Fact: This case proves that even in the world of entertainment, some people will go to great lengths to avoid actually doing their job. Who knew that fraud could be a viable career path?.
• Headline: WARREN E. BURGER NAMED CHIEF JUSTICE BY NIXON; NOW ON APPEALS BENCH; A CRITIC OF COURT. Impact: Warren E. Burger’s appointment became a pivotal moment leading to a new era where the Supreme Court's decisions were scrutinized with the intensity usually reserved for reality TV shows. Because nothing says justice like public opinion polls.. Fact: Burger’s last name is ironically fitting for someone in a position where you’d expect to see a lot of hot air, especially in court rulings..
• Headline: Army Admits Its Nerve Gas Killed 6,000 Sheep. Impact: The Army's admission about nerve gas resulted in a wave of protests, which eventually inspired a generation of environmentalists. They took the message of 'don't kill the sheep' and turned it into 'don't kill any living thing, ever!'. Fact: The fact that nerve gas can kill sheep might just be a sobering reminder that sometimes, it’s the innocent bystanders that suffer the most. History, folks!.
• Headline: U.S. Aides Defend Apbia Peak Battle; U.S. Command Defends Battle For a Peak as Blow to Enemy. Impact: The defense of the Apbia Peak battle led to a strategic re-evaluation of military tactics, ultimately resulting in the invention of the 'you-go-first' strategy that is still in use today — especially in team-building exercises.. Fact: In the grand scheme of military history, the Apbia battle was just another day at the office, with a body count that reads like a particularly bad day at the DMV..
• Headline: SEMINARIANS GET A VOICE IN POLICY; Union Theology to Set Up Student-Faculty Council. Impact: The establishment of a student-faculty council led to the eventual creation of the 'Student Representative' role, which is now widely regarded as the perfect way to give students a voice while simultaneously ignoring everything they say.. Fact: If you think about it, a student-faculty council is like a teacher-parent conference, but with extra sarcasm and less actual decision-making power..