MAY 13, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jersey Assembly Approves 18-Year-Old Voting. Impact: Had the Jersey Assembly not approved the vote at 18, we might have seen a world where teenagers were legally adults but still couldn't buy a pack of gum without a parent. Just imagine the chaos in candy stores!. Fact: Did you know that voting at 18 was once considered radical? Now it’s just a given, much like posting pictures of your lunch on social media..
• Headline: Belgian Leadership at the U.N. Begins. Impact: R Scheyven's election to the U.N. body might have been the moment the universe shifted just enough to delay intergalactic diplomacy by a few decades. Thanks a lot, R Scheyven.. Fact: Did you know that being elected to a U.N. position is like being voted 'Most Likely to Be Overlooked' in high school? Congratulations!.
• Headline: Howard Students Challenge Administration Policies. Impact: The Howard students threatening an injunction might have unwittingly set off a chain reaction of student activism. Who knew that simply wanting a voice could lead to decades of protests and colorful banners?. Fact: Did you know that boycotting is just the fancy word for 'we're really upset and want to throw a tantrum'?.
• Headline: China Agrees to Revive Joint Soviet Border Unit; Peking Agrees to Reconvene Soviet Boundary Commission. Impact: China's agreement to revive the joint Soviet border unit likely delayed the launch of a reality show featuring politicians. Imagine the drama of two nations bickering while trying to plant flags on a map.. Fact: Did you know that these boundary meetings are basically like two kids arguing over who gets the last cookie? Spoiler alert: no one wins..
• Headline: Widow of Mussolini Wins Long Fight for a Pension. Impact: Mussolini's widow winning a pension might have sparked some heated debates about historical accountability, leading to a potential 'Who Gets What?' game show – but with more yelling and less fun.. Fact: Did you know that receiving a pension from a dictator is like getting a tax refund from a bad investment? You might want to think twice before cashing that check..
• Headline: 159 RAIDS STAGED BY FOE IN VIETNAM; Figure Is Largest Since Tet Drive in '68 -- Political Aim Is Suspected in Paris. Impact: The 159 raids in Vietnam might have inadvertently inspired future generations of video game designers, who'd think, 'If only we could make this more pixelated and less deadly!'. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more chaotic than a military raid is trying to find a quiet place to watch the news about it?.
• Headline: Jewish Unit Assails Soviet. Impact: The Jewish Unit's accusations against the Soviet Union could have sparked a ripple effect leading to a plethora of international debates that eventually turned into a never-ending cycle of 'Who's the Worst?'. Fact: Did you know that discrimination is like bad Wi-Fi? It affects everyone, but some people just seem to be more connected to the issues..
• Headline: Suzanne Farrell Resigns From City Ballet. Impact: Suzanne Farrell's resignation from the NYC Ballet might have inadvertently set the stage for a dramatic reality show about the ups and downs of ballet life, complete with dramatic music and wardrobe malfunctions.. Fact: Did you know that resigning from the ballet is like breaking up with a dance partner? It's not you, it's the choreography..
• Headline: Voorhees Reopens. Impact: The reopening of Voorhees College could have been the catalyst for a nationwide trend of colleges realizing that students actually like to attend classes. Shocking, I know!. Fact: Did you know that reopening a college is like telling kids the ice cream truck is back? They may not be thrilled, but at least they’ll show up..
• Headline: Castro's Party Strives for Rapid Membership Rise. Impact: Castro's push for Communist party membership could have sent ripples through the political landscape, leading to a quirky sitcom about party membership and the absurdity of bureaucracy.. Fact: Did you know that expanding party membership in communism is like adding more toppings to a pizza that's already too cheesy? It might look good, but it's still a mess!.