MAY 6, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Red Cross Official Denied Access to Hanoi. Impact: The Red Cross official's ban from Hanoi led to a series of increasingly absurd diplomatic meetings where officials discussed the weather instead of POWs, ultimately resulting in a global treaty on how to effectively ignore human rights violations. Fact: Turns out saying 'no' to humanitarian organizations can lead to some pretty creative excuses in international diplomacy. Who knew?.
• Headline: Nixon's Meeting with AFL-CIO Leaders. Impact: This meeting sparked a chain reaction that led to the invention of the 'Inflation Relief Dance', a popular yet utterly ineffective way for politicians to show they care while doing absolutely nothing. Fact: Did you know that discussing inflation in a room full of people wearing suits is like discussing diet tips in a donut shop? The irony is delicious!.
• Headline: RAMBLER IN BLACK FOR 3-MONTH SPAN; Run of 2d-Quarter Deficits Halted by Car Maker. Impact: This tiny profit led to the rise of the 'Rambler Revival' movement in the 70s, where hipsters nostalgically embraced cars that were already outdated before they were even born. Fact: The Rambler's comeback was so underwhelming that it was even less exciting than watching paint dry—unless you were an auto enthusiast, then it was still pretty dull.
• Headline: Woman Defeated for A. V. C. Seat; COMPANIES HOLD ANNUAL MEETINGS. Impact: This defeat triggered a series of events where women across the country began to organize, ultimately leading to the creation of 'women's meetings' that involved way more snacks and way less corporate jargon. Fact: Sometimes losing a seat can lead to a whole movement; just ask anyone who’s ever been elbowed out of a coveted parking spot.
• Headline: Con Ed Chief Cites Cost-Crunch Woes; CON ED CHAIRMAN CITES COST PINCH. Impact: The chairman's comments ignited a nationwide panic that led to people trying to conserve energy by turning off their lights during the day, resulting in a brief yet hilarious trend of people trying to navigate their homes in complete darkness. Fact: Cost crunch woes are a fancy way of saying, 'Hey, we need to charge you more for the same service!' Isn't capitalism just charming?.
• Headline: President to Seek Unemployment Aid For More Workers. Impact: Nixon's plan set off a chain reaction that inspired future presidents to draft legislation which, while well-intentioned, would ultimately lead to a yearly 'Unemployment Awareness Day' where everyone pretends to care for 24 hours. Fact: Because nothing says 'I care about your job loss' like a day filled with hashtags and platitudes, am I right?.
• Headline: Mailer a Pulitzer Winner; 'White Hope' Best Drama; Mailer and Dubos Share Pulitzer Nonfiction Prize; 'Great White Hope' Wins for Drama. Impact: Mailer’s win sent shockwaves through the literary world, inspiring future authors to take absurd risks, which ultimately led to the creation of books like 'How to Train Your Dragon' and 'The Life and Times of a Potato.'. Fact: Winning a Pulitzer is kind of like winning the lottery—except instead of cash, you get a lifetime supply of existential angst and book signings!.
• Headline: Proxmire Asks Investigation In Handling of C-5A Contract. Impact: This request set off a series of investigations that uncovered so much bureaucratic red tape that it resulted in a new sport: 'Paperwork Wrestling,' where officials pit their administrative skills against each other for the ultimate prize of more paperwork. Fact: Ask any bureaucrat, and they'll tell you that the best way to get things done is to create an elaborate system of checks and balances that makes sure nothing ever gets done!.