MAY 2, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: James Dawson Chichester-Clark: Northern Ireland's Leader. Impact: If Chichester-Clark hadn't been Prime Minister, perhaps the phrase 'Chichester-Clark' would have been reserved for an exotic cocktail instead of a political figure. Just imagine the 'Chichester-Clark Sour' making waves in bars across Belfast!. Fact: His full name is a mouthful. Good luck fitting that on a business card!.
• Headline: Cultural League Awards C M Spofford. Impact: Spofford receiving an award could have inadvertently inspired a chain reaction of other mediocre artists getting awards, leading to the meteoric rise of mediocre art, and ultimately, the invention of 'modern art' as we know it today.. Fact: C.M. Spofford probably had no idea that getting an award would be the highlight of his career, considering we all forgot who he was the moment we heard about it..
• Headline: Comment From Lockheed. Impact: If only Lockheed's chairman had kept his mouth shut, perhaps we would have lived in a timeline where military contracts were boring and didn't cause a ruckus. Alas, the world was deprived of that sweet, sweet mundanity.. Fact: Lockheed's C-5A is basically the airplane equivalent of your roommate's terrible cooking—everyone complains but no one can resist the occasional taste..
• Headline: Tension Rises in Jordan. Impact: This event could have spiraled into a major geopolitical shift, influencing alliances and conflicts across the Middle East. Who knew a few shootings could set off a domino effect that would lead to decades of tension?. Fact: The Popular Front for Liberation of Palestine sounds way cooler than it actually is. It’s basically a group that turned 'liberation' into an Olympic sport..
• Headline: RUMSFELD HOPES TO SPEAK FOR POOR; New O.E.O. Head's Record in House Is Conservative. Impact: Rumsfeld’s conservative approach might have inspired a generation of politicians to ‘speak for the poor’ while simultaneously raising their own salaries. Truly, a testament to the art of double-talk.. Fact: Rumsfeld's idea of advocating for the poor was probably about as effective as a cat trying to communicate with a dog..
• Headline: DU BRIDGE SEES DROP IN SECRET RESEARCH. Impact: If universities had kept more secret research contracts, we might have been living in a world filled with mysterious innovations—or bizarre experiments that would make for great sci-fi plots. Thanks, MIT!. Fact: Secret research is like the secret menu at restaurants: it sounds exciting, but you probably don’t want to know what’s really in it..
• Headline: Warsaw Has Warm Day. Impact: A warm day in Warsaw could have inspired a spontaneous celebration, leading to a series of warm days that sparked a cultural renaissance. Or just a lot of sunburnt locals. Either way, it was a turning point!. Fact: May Day parades are just one of those events where everyone pretends to enjoy political speeches while secretly wishing for ice cream..
• Headline: U.S. Is Studying Options on Conventional Forces; 10 Possibilities Proposed in Review Being Directed by the Defense Dept.. Impact: The options discussed might have set the stage for America’s enduring identity crisis—are we ‘Fortress America’ or the ‘world’s policeman’? Spoiler alert: we’re neither, but we love the drama.. Fact: Choosing between 'Fortress America' and 'world policeman' is like choosing between a rock and a hard place. Either way, you’re getting hurt..
• Headline: 169 Fined in Harvard Sit-In;; 2 Cleared at Cambridge Judge Finds 169 Guilty in Harvard Sit-In; 2 Cleared. Impact: The sit-in at Harvard might have inspired future generations to protest more effectively—or at least to come up with better excuses for skipping class.. Fact: Getting fined for a sit-in at Harvard is basically like being penalized for not buying overpriced coffee. Welcome to higher education!.