FEBRUARY 6, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Chamber of Commerce Advocates for Trade Expansion. Impact: If Nixon had embraced investment abroad instead of focusing on domestic issues, we might have seen a world where American companies take over European bakeries and sell 'Freedom Croissants' instead of croissants. Just imagine the pastry diplomacy!. Fact: The Chamber of Commerce is basically the adult version of 'I want to play outside!' but with less fun and more paperwork..
• Headline: Gromyko's Accident Shocks the Diplomatic World. Impact: Gromyko's broken arm led to a series of diplomatic mishaps that made international relations feel more like a bad game of Twister, where everyone ends up on the floor instead of resolving anything.. Fact: They say breaking your arm is bad luck, but in Gromyko's case, it might just have been a way of signaling that he was tired of the heavy lifting in diplomacy..
• Headline: O'Neill Says He Will Resign If He Gets No Clear Mandate. Impact: O'Neill's ultimatum to resign if he didn’t get a clear mandate created a political butterfly effect that made future politicians realize that throwing a tantrum might just get them what they want. The art of the melodrama was born.. Fact: Politicians love mandates so much that some of them might just start printing 'mandate' on T-shirts for their followers..
• Headline: Congress Approval Sought For Susquehanna Compact. Impact: The Susquehanna Compact approval led to a chain of river basin agreements, eventually resulting in a bizarre River Olympics where states compete in synchronized swimming and fishing contests. Who knew water could be so competitive?. Fact: The only thing more convoluted than a river basin compact is trying to explain it to someone who just wants to fish..
• Headline: Advertising: Ars Gratia Artis -- and I.T.T.. Impact: The rebranding of Waterman-Getz Advertising to I.T.T. launched a thousand marketing campaigns that led to obscure products like 'Invisible Ink for Dummies.' The world was never the same.. Fact: Ars Gratia Artis translates to 'art for art's sake,' which is basically what every advertising agency says right before they charge you $100,000 for a logo..
• Headline: 15 More in Union Accused. Impact: The indictment of 15 union members for defrauding a welfare fund set off a series of union investigations that somehow led to the creation of the world's first 'Union Hall Karaoke Night.' Singing for justice took on a whole new meaning.. Fact: Defrauding a welfare fund is a serious offense, but it’s not as catchy as 'Karaoke for the Underprivileged.'.
• Headline: Santa Barbara Harbor Closed; Oil Fouls Beaches, Fire Hazard Feared; Santa Barbara Harbor Closed; Beaches Are Fouled by Oil Slick. Impact: The Santa Barbara oil spill initiated the environmental movement’s 'smelly' phase, making oil spills the reason everybody suddenly cared about beaches and sea otters. Who knew a little oil could cause such a big splash?. Fact: The Santa Barbara oil spill was a real wake-up call for environmentalists, proving that beaches are not just for sunbathing, but also for being covered in sticky black goo..
• Headline: American Motors Earnings Rise; Quarter Gain Is 1c a Share. Impact: American Motors' earnings rise led to an unexpected surge in enthusiasm for 'budget-friendly' cars, inspiring a generation of college students to proudly drive rust buckets while proclaiming their 'vintage' status.. Fact: Earnings rising by a single cent per share can be celebrated like a birthday in the boardroom, but for the rest of us, it's just another day in the stock market jungle..