FEBRUARY 5, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Treasury Officials' Bank Stock Ban Proposal. Impact: This ban led to a secret society of former Treasury officials who, disillusioned by their inability to trade stocks, formed a hedge fund devoted to investing in antique spoons. The spoon market skyrocketed, making cutlery the next big investment craze.. Fact: You know, because nothing screams 'trustworthy' like politicians not profiting from banks while in office. What a revolutionary concept!.
• Headline: Bundy Advocates for Tax Funding in Crime Prevention. Impact: Bundy's theory prompted future politicians to invent a convoluted tax code that both funded crime-fighting efforts and ensured they could still claim deductions for their failed attempts. 'Tax and spend' became 'tax, spend, and hope for the best.'. Fact: Ah yes, the age-old wisdom that taxes are the magical solution to crime. Next up: bundling tax returns with self-help books on crime prevention..
• Headline: Board Member Named By National Distillers. Impact: The appointment of P C Jameson sparked a wave of other distilleries seeking board members with increasingly ridiculous qualifications, leading to a future where only those with PhDs in mixology could hold such positions.. Fact: Naming a board member is the adult equivalent of picking a team captain in kindergarten. 'I choose… you!'.
• Headline: U.S. GIVING SAIGON 60 JET FIGHTERS; Also to Send 300 Copters -- Moves Linked to Effort to 'De-Americanize' War U.S. GIVING SAIGON 60 JET FIGHTERS. Impact: This military aid led to a bizarre arms race where other countries started sending their own outdated, bizarrely-themed military vehicles. Expect to see a fleet of rubber duck submarines in the next conflict.. Fact: Who knew that de-Americanizing a war could involve more American-made jet fighters? Talk about a strategic twist!.
• Headline: Malraux Is Spattered With Paint by an Artist. Impact: This incident caused a worldwide trend of artists using politicians as canvases, resulting in an unexpected fusion of art and politics that led to an annual event called 'Splash & Dash' where artists vie for the most absurd political statement.. Fact: A paint job is one way to make an entrance, but who knew it was a legitimate strategy for securing museum funding?.
• Headline: 7 Men and 9 Concerns Guilty Of Con Ed Contract Rigging. Impact: This scandal set off a chain reaction of contract rigging scandals that eventually led to the creation of a reality TV show called 'Rigged Contracts', where contestants compete to see who can cheat the best and still smile for the camera.. Fact: Guilty pleas: the adult equivalent of saying 'my dog ate my homework'. But hey, at least they’re not getting a free pass this time!.