JANUARY 25, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ocean Hill Control Under State Review. Impact: If the state had kept control, Ocean Hill might have become a trendy tourist spot where hipsters sip lattes while discussing gentrification, instead of a historical footnote in the saga of urban governance.. Fact: Ocean Hill's control issues might just be the reason your coffee shop has overpriced avocado toast today. You're welcome!.
• Headline: H G Woodbury Jr as Regional Plan Director. Impact: H.G. Woodbury Jr.'s election may have resulted in a butterfly effect where every future regional plan director now has to either have a name that sounds like a character from a 1950s sitcom or face eternal ridicule.. Fact: Being a regional plan director is the perfect job for people who enjoy making plans that are never followed through. It's like being a wedding planner for a couple that doesn’t show up!.
• Headline: Stern's 42nd Street Store Closure. Impact: The closure of Stern's store may have led to a spike in foot traffic to nearby stores, which eventually resulted in an explosion of 'going out of business' sales that continue to haunt mall shoppers to this day.. Fact: The closing of a store is like a dramatic breakup; everyone around feels the pangs of nostalgia while simultaneously celebrating their newfound freedom from overpriced socks..
• Headline: Drew Pearson's Niece Freed In Fiance's Fatal Stabbing. Impact: Her acquittal may have inadvertently started a long-standing debate about self-defense laws, leading to countless courtroom dramas in pop culture that glorify the 'wrongly accused'.. Fact: This case is a reminder that sometimes love can be a real killer—literally..
• Headline: Bonn Seeks to Punish Editor's Slur of Israel. Impact: Punishing an editor for slurs might have sparked a global movement that led to stricter libel laws everywhere, which ultimately resulted in half of the world's social media posts being edited or deleted.. Fact: The phrase 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me' has never been less true, especially if you're a journalist with a penchant for stirring the pot..
• Headline: CHICAGO JOURNALIST NAMED AIDE TO FINCH. Impact: The appointment of C.C. Black could have set off a chain reaction where journalists everywhere suddenly believed they were qualified for any government position, leading to the current state of public office filled with ex-columnists.. Fact: Being a government aide is just like being a journalist, but with way less coffee and way more paperwork. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Summer White House Sought Along Pacific. Impact: Nixon's quest for a Summer White House may have inadvertently inspired every future president to seek vacation homes, resulting in a real estate boom along coastlines and a rise in overpriced beach rentals.. Fact: If only Nixon had stuck to renting beach houses like the rest of us, he might have avoided all that Watergate nonsense and just enjoyed some sun..
• Headline: Burns May Emerge as Super Power. Impact: If Burns becomes the 'super power', it might lead to a future where government officials start wearing capes and using secret identities, which would make for a much more entertaining news cycle.. Fact: If you think politics is boring now, just wait until they start holding press conferences in superhero costumes!.
• Headline: GRANT PRECEDED BOYD'S RAIL POST; Former Secretary Says He Avoided Role in Decision. Impact: The confusion surrounding Boyd's rail post might have resulted in a ripple effect of bureaucratic red tape that still plagues transportation decisions today, proving that some things never change.. Fact: In the world of transportation, avoiding decisions is akin to being a traffic light stuck on red—everyone's just waiting for someone to take action!.