DECEMBER 29, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring The Jacklove Affair. Impact: The Jacklove Affair launched a literary revolution that led to the rise of romantic comedies in the early 21st century, causing countless awkward first dates and the unfortunate phrase 'It's not you, it's me' to become standard breakup protocol. Fact: Did you know that 'Jacklove' is now the accepted term for what happens when a book is so bad, it gets turned into a Hallmark movie?.
• Headline: Exploring Susannah's Unexpected Journey. Impact: Susannah’s bold choices in life led to the infamous 'Nice Girls Finish Last' mantra, making it socially acceptable to blame women for their choices, which is still a wildly popular pastime today. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'Nice girls' was so popular it became a category for the worst dating advice ever? You know, because who wouldn’t want to be nice while getting ghosted?.
• Headline: Town of Apollo Honors Crew. Impact: Apollo's decision to honor the astronauts created a precedent for towns to capitalize on celebrity by renaming streets and parks after them, leading to the bizarre phenomenon of towns going bankrupt trying to attract tourists with ridiculous names like 'Buzz Aldrin Boulevard.'. Fact: Fun fact: Becoming a citizen of Apollo means you can legally claim you were once a resident of the moon, which is a fantastic icebreaker at parties.
• Headline: Another Opinion; Reforming the Foreign Service. Impact: Walker’s article sparked the inevitable bureaucratic revolution, proving that when you tell the government to reform, they hear 'add more layers of red tape.' This led to a thriving industry of consultants who now specialize in making documents truly, utterly confusing. Fact: Did you know that 'foreign service reform' is just code for 'let's make it harder for people to get their visas'? Hooray for progress!.
• Headline: $3-Million Liens Are Filed Against Goldfine's Estate. Impact: Goldfine's estate troubles laid the groundwork for an entire genre of reality TV shows where rich people lose their money in spectacularly entertaining ways. Thanks to this, we now have a front-row seat to the drama of financial mismanagement. Fact: Fun fact: Liens are now a popular way for people to express their love—who needs flowers when you can just file a lien?.
• Headline: Golden Gate to Get Computer. Impact: The Golden Gate computerization project sparked an era of automation that led to more traffic jams than ever, proving that while we can track fares, we still can’t figure out how to keep cars from blocking intersections. Fact: Did you know that IBM computers were originally designed to help us count fares, but now they mostly just help us count the minutes we spend stuck in traffic?.
• Headline: Chicago Raises Share Of the National Product. Impact: Chicago's GNP rise led to an unreal expectation that other cities could also magically produce wealth, resulting in endless competition, debt, and the widespread belief that urban living has no downsides—except, of course, for the actual downsides. Fact: Did you know that Chicago's GNP is like a pizza? Everyone wants a slice, but nobody wants to pay for the toppings.
• Headline: No Survivors in San Diego. Impact: The tragic crash resulted in increased regulations for air travel, which subsequently gave birth to the age of excessive security checks, long lines, and the invention of the TSA-approved travel-sized shampoo bottle. Fact: Fun fact: In the wake of the crash, airlines have become experts in the art of overselling flights—because who doesn’t love a good game of musical chairs at 30,000 feet?.