DECEMBER 18, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Jersey Seeks Mafia Investigation. Impact: The inquiry into Mafia connections led to an increase in public distrust of politicians, resulting in a bizarre future where politicians began to wear tinfoil hats in public to avoid scrutiny. Coincidentally, this also spurred the invention of the pop-up tent for politicians to hide in during scandals. Fact: Did you know that in 1970, people were still shocked that politicians could be corrupt? Ah, the innocence of the past!.
• Headline: Pope to Add Record Number of Cardinals. Impact: Adding cardinals created a chain reaction leading to a 'Cardinal Wars' scenario where factions within the church began arguing over who was more 'holier than thou', resulting in an annual competition of the 'Holy Olympics' where cardinals showcased their piety through interpretive dance. Fact: Cardinals are often mistaken for a type of bird. Yet, no bird has ever worn a robe or had to make moral decisions about the fate of humanity. Imagine a bird doing that!.
• Headline: Academic Controversy: Plagiarism Allegations Rise. Impact: The plagiarism scandal sent shockwaves through academia, leading to the creation of a new discipline: 'Academic Parody Studies', where students were encouraged to copy each other's work as a form of performance art. Ironically, it became the most original form of education. Fact: Plagiarism is a great way to get a PhD... in being called out by ten of your peers. Who knew education could be such a dramatic affair?.
• Headline: NIXON SEES THANT, VOWS TO HELP U.N. IN PEACE EFFORTS; Pays Courtesy Call Here -- Names Economic Adviser and Cabinet Secretary Nixon Pays Call on Thant Here And Promises Support to U.N.. Impact: Nixon's promise to support the UN turned into an elaborate game of political charades, where future presidents would send increasingly ridiculous gifts to the UN, ranging from giant inflatable globes to singing telegrams. International diplomacy was never the same. Fact: Nixon's 'courtesy calls' were about as effective as a diet soda at a buffet. But hey, at least he was trying to look busy!.
• Headline: Wright Brothers Honored. Impact: The anniversary celebration sparked a global obsession with flight, leading to a peculiar future where people began constructing personal flying machines out of household items, causing a series of unfortunate accidents that resulted in more 'Wright' than 'wrong'. Fact: The Wright Brothers' first flight lasted 12 seconds. Imagine being that guy who can only brag about a 12-second flight at a party. Talk about a short conversation!.
• Headline: OPPOSITION GROUP FORMS IN LISBON; 239 Sign Manifesto Asking Caetano for Reforms and Political Recognition Opposition Movement Emerges In Lisbon With Call for Reform. Impact: The formation of the opposition group was the first spark in a series of protests that eventually led to the invention of the 'protest selfie', where demonstrators became more concerned with their Instagram likes than the actual cause. Social media was a game changer. Fact: 239 people signed a manifesto, which sounds like a lot until you realize it's just a small dinner party by today's social media standards. #RevolutionaryDinnerClub.
• Headline: Fuel Strike Goes On As More Seek Help; Heat Complaints Increase as Fuel Strike Goes On. Impact: As the fuel strike intensified, it led to a future where New Yorkers became expert firewood gatherers, sparking an underground economy where people traded artisanal wood for fancy lattes. Who knew survival skills could be so hipster?. Fact: People complaining about the cold is as old as time. But hey, at least they had the chance to bond over shared misery—it's like a winter retreat without the spa!.
• Headline: Bowery Hits $3-Billion Mark. Impact: The Bowery hitting the $3 billion mark set off a chain reaction where other neighborhoods began competing in financial feats, leading to ridiculous initiatives like 'The Billion-Dollar Street' where each storefront had to outdo each other in flashy displays of wealth. Fact: Hitting the $3 billion mark is impressive until you realize it’s just a number. Kind of like how people feel about their gym memberships on January 2nd.