OCTOBER 21, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: Navy Restrictions in Danang Amid Racial Tension. Impact: The Navy decided to impose restrictions, which ultimately led to the development of a secret underwater society in Danang that was solely dedicated to hosting the world's largest seafood buffet. This buffet, however, was never discovered, leading to a series of gastronomic tragedies in the local marine ecosystem.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'seafood buffet' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's eat everything in sight and regret it later'?.
• Headline: Wolde Claims Marathon Victory for Ethiopia. Impact: Wolde's victory inspired a world-wide trend of competitive jogging, leading to the rise of casual joggers everywhere. This inadvertently caused an increase in the production of energy bars and running shoes, which are now the leading causes of clutter in modern homes.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing that runs faster than a marathon runner is the average person’s will to hit the snooze button..
• Headline: Leonia Jazz Concert for Park Proposal. Impact: The jazz concert was so successful that it led to a jazz renaissance in New Jersey, which eventually culminated in a national day dedicated to jazz hands. This is now celebrated every year with people awkwardly waving their hands at strangers.. Fact: Did you know that 'jazz' is actually a term derived from 'jazzercise,' which was the original workout for the creatively inclined?.
• Headline: World's Best Athlete. Impact: The title of 'World's Best Athlete' caused a massive increase in egos around the globe, leading to an unprecedented rise in inflatable trophies. This ultimately caused a shortage of helium, disrupting birthday parties worldwide.. Fact: Did you know that being the 'world's best athlete' is just a fancy way of saying you can run fast and look good in spandex?.
• Headline: HUMPHREY BACKS HOUSE ELECTION; Contends He Could Govern Well Even if He Failed to Capture Popular Vote Humphrey Says He Would Serve Even it He Lags in Popular Vote. Impact: Humphrey's bold claim sparked a movement among politicians to write self-help books. This led to the rise of the political self-help genre, which is now a major category in bookstores, alongside 'How to Lose Friends and Influence No One.'. Fact: Did you know that politicians often consider themselves 'public servants'? This is just a euphemism for 'we'll serve you, but only if you promise not to notice the bill.'.
• Headline: Nixon Calls War in Vietnam More Political Than Military. Impact: Nixon's statement led to a new genre of political commentary that focused more on 'political theater' rather than actual war strategies. This eventually inspired countless reality shows centering around political drama, which we now watch instead of the news.. Fact: Did you know that 'politics' comes from the Greek word 'poly', meaning 'many', and 'ticks', meaning 'blood-sucking parasites'?.
• Headline: Kennedy Memoir Details Cuba Crisis; Memoir by Robert Kennedy Details Cuba Missile Crisis of '62. Impact: Robert Kennedy's memoir inadvertently triggered an obsession with memoir writing, leading to countless politicians documenting their lives, which resulted in the creation of the 'Boring Memoir' category in bookstores, now a bestseller list staple.. Fact: Did you know that memoirs are just glorified diaries written by people who think their lives are way more interesting than they actually are?.
• Headline: POLICEMAN IS SHOT ON AN IND PLATFORM. Impact: This tragic event highlighted the dangers of urban policing and led to significant reforms in police training and safety measures. These reforms ultimately changed the way law enforcement interacts with the community in a profound way.. Fact: In the wake of tragedies like this, many communities began to push for reforms that promote safety, leading to today's ongoing discussions about police practices and community relations..
• Headline: Ginsberg Calls On Governments To Aid Poor by Subsidizing Jobs. Impact: Ginsberg's call for job subsidies sparked a series of government programs that led to the invention of the 'Job Creation Dance', which is now a mandatory part of any job interview in a parallel universe.. Fact: Did you know that subsidizing jobs is like giving someone a fish instead of teaching them to fish? Except in this case, the fish comes with a side of bureaucracy..