SEPTEMBER 13, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: War's Devastating Impact on South Vietnam's Wildlife. Impact: The ecological devastation in Vietnam led to a massive migration of wildlife, resulting in rhinoceroses starting a covert operation to infiltrate zoos worldwide, leading to a rhinoceros uprising in 2025 as they demanded better living conditions.. Fact: Did you know that rhinoceroses can run up to 30 mph? They might be slow on the uptake about their ecological plight, but they sure can sprint away from bad press!.
• Headline: Dubcek's Censored Speech Controversy. Impact: Dubcek's canceled speech inadvertently sparked a global 'Free Speech Movement' that eventually inspired a fictional TV show about a time-traveling historian who sarcastically critiques historical events. And the rest is history.. Fact: Did you know that censorship often leads to more creative ways to express dissent? Just look at this headline—less speech, more drama!.
• Headline: Tragic Death of Pro Player Glen Hepburn. Impact: Glen Hepburn's tragic injury death led to the establishment of mandatory safety protocols in sports, which ironically resulted in more injuries due to athletes now overthinking their moves. Thanks, Glen!. Fact: Did you know that before his injury, Glen was known for his incredible ability to dodge questions about his future? Guess he should have dodged that injury too!.
• Headline: JOHNSON'S ROLE IN RACE DEFINED; Aide Distinguishes Policy Statement From Stand Taken by Humphrey JOHNSON'S ROLE IN RACE DEFINED. Impact: Johnson's muddled statements on troop withdrawal set the stage for decades of political double-speak, paving the way for future politicians to master the art of saying absolutely nothing while sounding profound.. Fact: Did you know that the White House has a 'Bureau of Misinformation'? Just kidding, but with all the mixed messages, they might as well have one!.
• Headline: Film Studios All Over Italy Feasting on 'Spaghetti Westerns'. Impact: The spaghetti western craze led to a culinary revolution where film directors became chefs, and Hollywood started offering 'Pasta-Acting' classes. The result? Films where the plot was just a side dish.. Fact: Did you know that spaghetti westerns are so popular in Italy that they might just take over the pizza business? Imagine a 'Pizza Western' where every showdown ends in a pizza fight!.
• Headline: Israelis Report Incident. Impact: The incident near the Sea of Galilee led to an increase in international tensions, which eventually resulted in the invention of the 'Guns and Roses' diplomatic strategy: a bouquet and a bazooka.. Fact: Did you know that the Sea of Galilee is actually a freshwater lake? It might look like a tranquil oasis, but it often serves as the backdrop for some serious drama!.
• Headline: REDWOODS PARK BILL APPROVED BY HOUSE. Impact: The Redwoods Park bill approval opened the door to national parks becoming the new hipster hangouts, where trees became the new celebrities and eco-tourism skyrocketed as people began to embrace their inner lumberjack.. Fact: Did you know that redwoods can live for over 2,000 years? They really know how to hold onto their secrets, unlike some politicians!.
• Headline: Wallace Out-Talks Milwaukee Jeerers. Impact: Wallace’s ability to handle jeers turned him into a political meme, inspiring future politicians to adopt comedy routines to win over crowds, resulting in a new genre of 'stand-up politics.'. Fact: Did you know that placing a wreath at a tomb doesn't guarantee votes? Maybe he should have taken a comedy class instead of a wreath-laying class!.
• Headline: BUDGET HEAD SEES RISE OF $7-BILLION; Zwick Implies Extension of Surtax Will Be Needed -- Calls War 'Real Question' BUDGET HEAD SEES RISE OF $7-BILLION. Impact: The budget head's projections led to decades of budgetary chaos, eventually resulting in a national pastime of predicting when the next tax increase would occur—spoiler alert: it's always around the corner.. Fact: Did you know that taxes are like bad breakups? They always come back to haunt you when you least expect it!.