SEPTEMBER 7, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: Wallace Chooses Chandler for Vice Presidency. Impact: This moment sparked a chain reaction where every future vice-presidential candidate would forever be haunted by the fear of being the 'safe' choice—because, let's face it, nobody really remembers the vice president anyway. Fact: Did you know that being a vice-presidential candidate is like being the understudy for a Broadway show? You might get your moment in the spotlight, but mostly, you're just waiting around in the wings.
• Headline: Western Airlines Pilots Reach Agreement. Impact: The pilots' agreement led to a significant increase in in-flight snacks, which eventually resulted in the great 'Peanut vs. Pretzel' debate of the 1980s. We still haven't settled that one, folks. Fact: Did you know that airline pilots are basically the rock stars of the sky? They get all the cool gear and still manage to look good in uniform while you struggle to keep your seatbelt on.
• Headline: Chicago Judges Continue Cases Of Many Convention Protesters. Impact: The decision to continue cases against the protesters cemented Chicago's reputation as the 'Windy City'—not just for its weather, but for all the hot air generated in courtrooms debating the rights of citizens to protest peacefully. Fact: Did you know that in Chicago, even the judges are on the city's long list of 'things that never seem to settle'? It's like a never-ending episode of a courtroom drama.
• Headline: 2 BATTLES ERUPT ON SAIGON ROUTES; 71 of Foe Reported Killed -- U. S. Dead Placed at 33 -- Bombs Explode in City Two Battles Erupt on Routes to Saigon. Impact: The violence in Saigon marked a pivotal point that would ripple through history, leading to a profound questioning of military intervention that would echo in every debate about foreign policy for decades—because nothing says 'let's learn from our mistakes' like repeating them. Fact: Did you know that the Vietnam War was one of the most controversial conflicts in U.S. history? It also inspired more protest songs than any other event, because nothing resonates like a good tune about suffering.
• Headline: 20,000 in Outlawed Lumpa Sect Quit Refuge Village in Congo. Impact: The mysterious disappearance of these individuals would set off an international game of 'Where's Waldo?' with governments trying to locate lost citizens, ultimately inspiring future generations to play hide and seek on a global scale—who knew hiding could be so influential?. Fact: Did you know that the Lumpa Sect was founded by a woman named 'Alice Lenshina'? Because nothing says 'revolutionary leader' like a name that sounds like a character from a children’s story.
• Headline: City Fiscal Aide Named. Impact: The appointment of a new fiscal aide would lead to a series of budget meetings that would forever be known as 'The Great Excel Sheet Saga,' where spreadsheets became the ultimate weapon of choice in bureaucratic battles. Fact: Did you know that fiscal aides are like the unsung heroes of city budgets? They wield the power of numbers and yet somehow remain the least exciting headline in town.
• Headline: The Proceedings In Washington. Impact: Exempting funding from cutbacks was a pivotal moment that led to the rise of the phrase 'not my problem' in political discourse, which still echoes through the halls of Congress to this day. Fact: Did you know that Congress has perfected the art of spending money while talking about saving it? It's like watching someone put their hand in the cookie jar while swearing they're on a diet.
• Headline: Rockefeller Picks Goodell For Kennedy's Senate Seat; Upstate Representative Helped Governor at G.O.P. Convention Rockefeller Picks Goodell for Senate Seat Thai Kennedy Held. Impact: This appointment sparked a frenzy of political maneuvering, leading to an era where every political appointment would be scrutinized under the 'What Were They Thinking?' lens, sending future politicians into existential crises. Fact: Did you know that political appointments are often more strategic than a game of chess? It's all about positioning—too bad the pawns usually end up taking the blame.
• Headline: Russians Stress Party Rule; A Young Woman Brightens a Cloudy Day for Dubcek MOSCOW DEFINES TERMS OF PULLOUT. Impact: The focus on party rule would solidify a legacy of political puppetry, where leaders would forever remain on a tightrope of control, leading to an ongoing quest for individual freedoms that would inspire movements for decades to come. Fact: Did you know that the term 'party rule' sounds like the world's most boring party? Spoiler: it is, but the cake is always stale and the music is non-existent.