SEPTEMBER 2, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: Disappointing Turnout at Top Pop Concert. Impact: Had the concert been a blockbuster, it could have led to a resurgence in live music, preventing the rise of karaoke bars. Imagine a world without 'Sweet Caroline' echoing in every dive bar!. Fact: Fun City Festival? More like Fun City Fiasco. 2,000 people showing up is basically a neighborhood BBQ..
• Headline: Exploring The Essence of Security. Impact: If McNamara's book had been a bestseller, it might have sparked a nationwide debate on security, leading to the creation of a 'How to Avoid Getting Us into Wars' course in schools.. Fact: The Essence of Security? Right, because we all remember how well that turned out in Vietnam..
• Headline: Patricia C. Pelz's Wedding Celebration. Impact: This wedding could have inadvertently started a trend of lavish bridal parties, leading to the modern-day competition of who can spend the most on a single day of questionable decision-making.. Fact: Patricia C. Pelz and R T Hart – a match made in 'who cares?' land. Did they register for gifts at the local grocery store?.
• Headline: WELFARE SYSTEM DUE FOR CHANGES; Payment Plan of Last Week Called Only First Step. Impact: The changes to the welfare system could create a parallel universe where welfare patrolmen become superheroes, fighting for the rights of the underprivileged – or just fighting for better uniforms.. Fact: 213 welfare patrolmen applying for pistol permits? Because nothing says 'helping the needy' like packing heat..
• Headline: U.N. Role in Biafra. Impact: If the UN had gotten its act together in Biafra, it might have set a precedent for global humanitarian efforts, possibly leading to a world where 'International Intervention' is a respected career choice.. Fact: UN's role in Biafra? More like 'No Role at All.' They were busy with their coffee breaks..
• Headline: Max Hess'oi the Hess Store in Allentown Is Dead; Small Town Methods Made His Store NationallyKnown Sold Out This Year i. Impact: Max Hess’ death could have sparked a resurgence of small-town shops if people felt nostalgic enough to vote with their wallets, perhaps even giving rise to the hipster movement years earlier.. Fact: Max Hess made his store nationally known, yet ironically, no one seems to remember what it sold. Probably not kale..
• Headline: Big Power Intervention. Impact: This critique might have inspired a wave of political activism that eventually led to the rise of social media influencers, who now shame politicians for their choices – from their comfy couches.. Fact: Big Power Intervention: because nothing says 'freedom' like supporting dictators who just happen to be on your payroll..
• Headline: Sutton Seeks a Coalition For Democratic Reforms; DEMOCRATIC SHIFT SOUGHT BY SUTTON. Impact: Sutton's coalition for democratic reforms could have ignited a revolution of political engagement, possibly leading to a world where politicians actually listen to their constituents – shocking, I know.. Fact: Sutton wants a democratic shift? It's like asking a cat to learn to fetch. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Pakistan Rejects Suggestion By India for No-War Pact. Impact: By rejecting the no-war pact, Pakistan set the stage for ongoing tensions, which could eventually lead to a future where peace talks are just elaborate games of chicken.. Fact: Pakistan rejecting India's proposal for a no-war pact? A classic case of 'let's keep the drama alive.'.
• Headline: McCarthy Supporter Says Senator Backs Campaign. Impact: If McCarthy had really supported the campaign, it may have resulted in a wave of grassroots movements, ultimately leading to an era where stickers become the new currency of political endorsement.. Fact: Campaign stickers are like the tattoos of politics: they look cool until you realize you're stuck with them forever!.