AUGUST 6, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: Military Coup Attempt in Greece. Impact: The imprisonment of these officers led to a series of military coups in Greece, which, thanks to the butterfly effect, eventually resulted in an abundance of conspiracy theories suggesting that all Greek salads contain secret messages from the military.. Fact: Greece has had more coups than a clumsy waiter has broken plates. Maybe they should serve military training with a side of stability..
• Headline: Community Relations Center Incident. Impact: The incident sparked a nationwide debate on community relations, leading to the creation of a secret society of neighborhood watch groups that took their job way too seriously, eventually leading to the popularization of the phrase 'Not all heroes wear capes.'. Fact: Nothing screams community relations like being fired upon. Maybe they should've tried bake sales instead..
• Headline: King Emperor Triumphs at Sanford Stakes. Impact: King Emperor's victory not only tied a record but also inspired a generation of horses to pursue their dreams in competitive racing, leading to a shocking rise in horse motivational speakers.. Fact: If only humans could run as fast as horses can win races. But then again, we’ve got Netflix..
• Headline: STATE OPENS CASE OF BLACK PANTHER; Promises Surprise Witness Who Saw Coast Murder. Impact: The trial of the Black Panther became a flashpoint for civil rights discussions, sparking a series of protests that inadvertently led to the rise of motivational posters featuring eagles and inspirational quotes in offices across America.. Fact: Nothing says 'justice' like a surprise witness. It's like the courtroom version of an unexpected plot twist in a soap opera..
• Headline: Stern Metals Appoints A New Chief Executive. Impact: The new CEO's appointment set off a chain reaction of corporate restructuring, which eventually resulted in the invention of the coffee break, allowing employees to pretend to work while discussing their weekend plans.. Fact: Every time a new CEO is appointed, a coffee shop owner silently rejoices. They know they’re about to get more business..
• Headline: Cornell Fund Sets Record. Impact: The record-setting donations led to an explosion of fundraisers at Cornell, triggering an arms race of increasingly extravagant alumni events, complete with skydiving alumni and gourmet food trucks.. Fact: Cornell’s alumni are so generous that even the ghosts of past students are rumored to haunt the campus looking for ways to donate..
• Headline: Drama: Play for All Plots. Impact: The drama connected to the convocation led to a nationwide trend of overly dramatic plays being staged in high schools, ultimately resulting in a generation of teens believing they were destined for Broadway.. Fact: The only thing more dramatic than a high school play is the aftermath of a cast party. Just ask any drama teacher..
• Headline: APPEALS COURT SETS POWELL CASE REVIEW. Impact: The appeals court's review prompted a wave of legal commentary that caused an uptick in popcorn sales, as citizens began to treat courtroom dramas as the latest must-watch reality TV.. Fact: The only thing that courts love more than appeals is the sound of a gavel. It’s like a judge’s version of a mic drop!.
• Headline: YORK, PA., IS QUIET AFTER NEW VIOLENCE. Impact: The violence in York led to increased police presence, which ironically sparked a new trend in urban fashion: 'caution tape chic' became all the rage among hipsters.. Fact: When the youth of today want to express themselves, they often choose firebombs. When I was young, we just had to settle for bad haircuts..