AUGUST 1, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ecuador's First Cardinal Passes Away. Impact: The passing of Cardinal de la Torre set off a series of events leading to a worldwide decrease in the number of people using the phrase 'bless you' after sneezes. Coincidence? I think not.. Fact: Cardinals are not just for the Catholic Church; they also exist in the bird kingdom where they don't care about your sins..
• Headline: Remembering Mrs. A. S. Keller's Legacy. Impact: Mrs. A. S. Keller’s regency at Hartford University sparked a chain reaction that ultimately led to the invention of the modern-day coffee break. Because who knew meetings could be so exhausting?. Fact: Regents are like board members, but with fancier titles that don’t really mean much. Congratulations, Mrs. Keller!.
• Headline: Brooklyn Misconduct Inquiry Key Figure Passes. Impact: Deacon Murphy's death triggered a bizarre series of events that resulted in the 'Murphy's Law' phenomenon becoming a global motto for procrastinators everywhere.. Fact: Being a deacon and a lawyer must have been a full-time job. I mean, how else would you defend your soul and your client at the same time?.
• Headline: G.O.P. SEATS IOWAN, DENYING CHALLENGE. Impact: The G.O.P. seating decision in Iowa led to a ripple effect that eventually caused all Iowa corn to develop a deep-seated fear of political debates.. Fact: Iowa: where political disputes are more common than cornfields. And trust me, that’s saying something!.
• Headline: Ventnor Changes Rule. Impact: The change in Ventnor’s government structure led to a historic decrease in the number of council meetings, allowing citizens to invest their time in more productive activities—like staring at walls.. Fact: Three's a crowd, but apparently in Ventnor, three is just enough to form a government. Who needs efficiency when you have simplicity?.
• Headline: Pathet Lao Reports Seizure of U.S. Base. Impact: The Pathet Lao's seizure of a U.S. base set off a series of unfortunate events leading to military bases worldwide being equipped with more 'Do Not Disturb' signs than actual security measures.. Fact: Seizing a military base is like grabbing the last slice of pizza; it might be frowned upon, but hey, it’s all about survival!.
• Headline: Miss America Pageant Names Negro to Its Board. Impact: The appointment of Rev. K.E. McDonald to the Miss America board led to an unexpected surge in the number of contestants trying to perform talent acts featuring interpretative dance about social justice.. Fact: Miss America: where the swimsuits are optional, but the politics are not. Get ready for the pageant with a side of activism!.
• Headline: Johnson Rebuffs Foes of Fortas. Impact: Johnson's rebuff of senators opposing Fortas inspired a new trend in political discourse where ignoring your opponents became the preferred method of debate—thank you, social media.. Fact: Nothing says 'I care about your opinion' like a complete and utter dismissal. Truly a hallmark of modern politics!.