JULY 12, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: The End of The Worker's Final Issue. Impact: The Worker’s Final Issue sparked a sudden uprising of disgruntled newspaper employees, leading to the invention of a time machine powered by ink and coffee, which eventually became the blueprint for future time-traveling journalists. Who knew reporting could be so futuristic?. Fact: Did you know that the phrase ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’ was actually a warning about ink stains on your favorite shirt?.
• Headline: The Life of Mrs. Jose Tolibia. Impact: Mrs. Jose Tolibia’s name brought about a global movement for women’s rights in naming conventions, leading to an increase in women being recognized for their contributions, and an equally absurd number of debates over hyphenated surnames.. Fact: Did you know that the most common reason for a name change is to avoid awkward introductions? Thanks, Mrs. Tolibia!.
• Headline: Grand Jury Will Investigate Attacks on Brooklyn Cabbies. Impact: The grand jury investigation into attacks on Brooklyn cabbies resulted in the establishment of a new cabbie superhero named The Yellow Avenger, who fought off muggers and encouraged more people to opt for public transport. The crime rate dropped, but so did the number of cabbies with interesting stories.. Fact: Did you know that cab drivers are the original therapists? They just charge by the mile instead of the hour!.
• Headline: SUIT CHARGES CITY SHUNS EAST BRONX; Warner Says Garbage Isn't Collected Regularly. Impact: The lawsuit against the city for neglecting the East Bronx led to an unexpected city cleanup initiative, where abandoned vehicles became trendy art installations. Art critics were baffled, but the East Bronx residents were just happy to see the streets again.. Fact: Did you know that garbage collection is actually an art form? Just look at how meticulously some people stack their trash before pickup!.
• Headline: MRS. JOHN E. LANSING. Impact: This second Mrs. Lansing’s name became a rallying cry for all women who felt overshadowed by their husbands, leading to the modern feminist movement. All thanks to one woman’s refusal to be just a footnote in history.. Fact: Did you know that women have been historically underrepresented in most fields, but they’ve always been overrepresented in the ‘Mrs.’ category? Progress!.
• Headline: Allen Urges Study of Proposal To Let States Finance Schools. Impact: The proposal to shift school financing ignited a nationwide debate on education funding, resulting in a peculiar trend where states began competing against each other in funding races, akin to the Olympics, but with more textbooks and fewer medals.. Fact: Did you know that school finance proposals are the adult version of children arguing over who gets the biggest piece of cake? Spoiler: everyone ends up with crumbs..