JUNE 30, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Unfolding of Animal Kingdom Diplomacy. Impact: The UK’s continued rejection from the EU led to an alternative reality where tea was served with a side of Brexit, and penguins became the official mascot of diplomatic relations.. Fact: Did you know that the UK still doesn't have a mascot for their diplomacy? They really should consider penguins. They waddle with authority!.
• Headline: Nixon's Strategic Vice Presidential Choice. Impact: Nixon’s indecision on his running mate created a time loop where every election thereafter featured a candidate who was only moderately qualified, leading to a future of 'meh' in politics.. Fact: Nixon’s fear of choosing a moderate was so strong that it inspired an entire generation of lukewarm political candidates. Yay, democracy!.
• Headline: Telescopic Innovations in US-USSR Rivalry. Impact: The US-USSR telescope rivalry inadvertently resulted in the creation of an intergalactic reality show where aliens critique Earth’s attempts at astronomy.. Fact: Fun fact: the first telescope was invented in 1608, but it took until the 21st century for someone to realize they could use it to spy on their neighbors' backyard barbecues..
• Headline: Reuther Backs Court Choices. Impact: Reuther’s backing of court choices sparked a chain reaction where labor unions began to dabble in law, resulting in the first-ever Labor Day courtroom drama.. Fact: Did you know that court drama could have been a reality TV genre if only unions had better PR? Just imagine the ratings!.
• Headline: Exchange With Newsmen. Impact: Rockefeller’s interactions with newsmen led to the establishment of the first-ever press conference etiquette, where journalists learned to nod and pretend to care.. Fact: Newsflash: journalists have been pretending to listen since the dawn of time. It's like they were born with a nodding mechanism!.
• Headline: Mayor Seeking to Avert Hospital Work Stoppage; LINDSAY ENTERS HOSPITAL DISPUTE. Impact: Mayor Lindsay’s intervention in the hospital dispute meant that the next generation of hospital administrators learned how to play 'Who Can Avoid a Strike?' instead of 'How to Save Lives.'. Fact: Did you know that hospital disputes are basically just really high-stakes games of Monopoly? 'Go directly to negotiation, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.'.
• Headline: A Rebel Reappraised. Impact: The reappraisal of the rebel created a phenomenon where future rebels looked to past rebels for inspiration, ultimately leading to a hipster movement dedicated to 'revolutionary chic.'. Fact: Rebellion is just another word for 'I don’t want to follow the rules, but I still want my avocado toast.'.
• Headline: Mamaroneck Picks Manager. Impact: The appointment of E Udall as city manager sparked a series of local government appointments that were so boring, it inspired a line of 'How to Fall Asleep in Meetings' podcasts.. Fact: Did you know that city manager meetings are the original sleep-inducing content? Forget lullabies; just play a recording of local ordinances!.
• Headline: CABBY IS ROBBED AND SLAIN ON L.I.. Impact: The tragic death of a cab driver led to increased awareness of urban crime, resulting in the future trend of cab drivers wearing capes for 'safety'—because that's how we solve crime, right?. Fact: Cab drivers have the toughest jobs; they deal with traffic, passengers, and now, apparently, crime drama. Maybe they should just start wearing superhero costumes!.