MAY 18, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: AFL-CIO Battles Major Spending Cuts. Impact: The AFL-CIO's opposition sparked a nationwide trend of unions getting into the political ring. In 2024, the first union-backed candidate ran for president and promised free pizza Fridays for all—because who doesn’t want their politicians to be pizza enthusiasts?. Fact: Fun fact: The AFL-CIO actually stands for 'Absolutely For Lobbying Congressional Initiatives Overwhelmingly'. Just kidding, but wouldn’t that be a catchy slogan?.
• Headline: Barnes Earns Autonomy in Transportation Unit. Impact: Barnes, given autonomy, became the ultimate traffic overlord. His reign led to a bizarre traffic law requiring all cyclists to wear capes, resulting in a cape fashion trend among hipsters that persists to this day.. Fact: Did you know that giving someone 'operational autonomy' is just fancy talk for 'you do you, but if it goes wrong, we’re not responsible'?.
• Headline: Two Bills on the Navajos Are Signed at White House. Impact: The signing of these bills inadvertently led to an annual celebration among Navajos that would feature epic rock concerts and a new appreciation for the 'peace treaty' as the 'greatest hits of treaties' playlist.. Fact: Did you know that peace treaties are like those awkward family reunions? It’s great until someone brings up old grievances!.
• Headline: Galbraith Silent on Humphrey; Warns A.D.A. to Avoid Discord; Tells Convention to Select a Democrat and Lauds Both McCarthy and Kennedy. Impact: Galbraith's warnings about discord opened the floodgates for political memes and hashtags. By 2020, #GalbraithWasRight became a rallying cry for every disillusioned voter on social media.. Fact: Did you know that political conventions are basically just glorified family dinners with more shouting and less turkey?.
• Headline: ACADEMIC FREEDOM IS FEARED AT STAKE. Impact: Fear over academic freedom led to the rise of a secret student group known as 'The Academic Avengers', who fought for their rights with foam swords and questionable debate tactics. Their motto? 'Knowledge is power, but so is sarcasm!'. Fact: Did you know that students rebelling against universities is as old as universities themselves? It’s like a rite of passage, just with more hashtags..
• Headline: Kennedy Opposes Tax Rise Package. Impact: Kennedy's tax opposition led to a new political movement where tax proposals became a popular topic at cocktail parties, resulting in the first-ever 'Taxation Celebration' where people would toast to lower taxes—while still paying them.. Fact: Did you know that opposing tax rises is a bit like saying you don’t want to pay for your own birthday cake? It sounds fun until you’re left with a bunch of candles and no cake!.