APRIL 17, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: Valachi Testifies in Hijacking Case. Impact: Valachi's testimony not only helps convict the hijackers but also sparks a bizarre trend of criminal informants writing best-selling memoirs, leading to the eventual rise of reality TV crime shows. Thanks, J, for the drama!. Fact: Did you know that snitches get stitches? Well, in this case, they also get book deals and movie adaptations!.
• Headline: Rhode Island Charter Vote Outcome. Impact: The overwhelming defeat of the charter sends Rhode Island into a bureaucratic black hole, where every future proposal for change is scrutinized so heavily that residents consider starting a petition to change the weather instead.. Fact: Fun fact: When in doubt, Rhode Islanders just prefer to keep things as they are—like a bad haircut that nobody wants to change..
• Headline: New Bridge to Rise After Decay. Impact: The decision to rebuild the bridge causes a chain reaction of infrastructure improvements across the nation, leading to a brief period where Americans actually enjoy their commutes—until the potholes return, of course.. Fact: Ironically, the only thing more unstable than this bridge was the public's faith in local government to manage its funds wisely..
• Headline: Early U.S. Test of Mace Shows Temporary Effect. Impact: The initial tests on Chem Mace lead to a nationwide panic about self-defense products, resulting in a brief but hilarious trend of people carrying around garden hoses for 'emergency situations.'. Fact: Did you know that Chem Mace was once thought to be an excellent ingredient for a spicy salsa? No? Well, neither did anyone else!.
• Headline: U.S. OPEN TO MOVE BY A THIRD PARTY ON SITE FOR TALKS; Officials Assert They Would Welcome Idea to Help End the Impasse With Hanoi COMPROMISE IS SOUGHT Diplomats Say Paris Might Be Proposed as a Capital Acceptable to Both Sides U.S. Is Open to Proposal by Third Party on Talks. Impact: This diplomatic openness leads to an absurd series of proposed meeting sites, including a hot dog stand in Times Square, which becomes a symbol of American negotiation tactics. Spoiler alert: No hot dogs were consumed.. Fact: Did you know that the U.S. has often preferred to negotiate over a plate of food? It’s hard to argue when you're busy eating!.
• Headline: SANITATION STRIKE IN MEMPHIS ENDS; Employes Win Recognition of Union, Dues Checkoff and Raise of 15 Cents SANITATION STRIKE IN MEMPHIS ENDS. Impact: The sanitation strike sparks a wave of labor movements across the country, leading to more organized protests and increasing the number of people who suddenly believe they are experts in labor rights—spoiler alert: they aren't.. Fact: Fun fact: Strikes are basically like the adult version of throwing a tantrum until someone gives you what you want—just with more paperwork..
• Headline: Nonsectarian Panel Is Named to Study Parochial Schools; Panel to Study Archdiocesan Schools. Impact: The establishment of this panel leads to endless debates and meetings, ultimately resulting in a school system that still can't agree on whether to teach cursive. Because clearly, that's the biggest issue.. Fact: Did you know that 'nonsectarian' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's agree to disagree while pretending we all get along'?.
• Headline: Barnard Considering Decision On Student Living With Man. Impact: This headline ignites debates about cohabitation and gender roles on campuses nationwide, leading to a spike in dormitory arguments over who left the dishes in the sink—classic college life.. Fact: Did you know that college is basically just an extended sleepover where no one can agree on who gets to control the TV remote?.
• Headline: EASING OF TENSION FELT IN GIBRALTAR. Impact: The easing of tensions in Gibraltar leads to unexpected tourist booms, as people flock to see the 'peaceful' Rock of Gibraltar, completely unaware that the local monkeys have their own agenda.. Fact: Did you know that the monkeys in Gibraltar have been known to steal sunglasses? Guess they wanted to look cool while watching the tensions ease!.