MARCH 31, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Proposes U.N. Peacekeeping in Mideast. Impact: The U.S. pushing for a U.N. team on the Israeli-Jordanian line inadvertently set off a chain reaction that led to more diplomatic meetings than a high school reunion. Countries started sending more representatives just to avoid being the only ones not invited, leading to an explosion of 'I don’t know why I’m here' small talk.. Fact: The U.N. team eventually had more coffee breaks than actual meetings. It’s where all the world leaders perfected their awkward small talk skills..
• Headline: New Mexico Digs Into Its Rich History. Impact: As New Mexico digs into its past, they uncover so many historical artifacts that they inadvertently inspire a new reality show called 'When Archaeology Attacks'. It becomes a massive hit and leads to a renewed interest in history that gets out of hand, resulting in everyone wearing togas to work.. Fact: ‘Everybody Excavates’ was almost called ‘Everybody Digs’, but they thought that would give the wrong impression about the state of their dating lives..
• Headline: Benjamin J. Doft: Jewish Leadership in 1961. Impact: The mention of a Jewish leader named Benjamin J. Doft led to a series of events where everyone started naming their pets after historical figures, which later resulted in a crisis of identity among animals. Cats started believing they were the reincarnation of Cleopatra.. Fact: Benjamin J. Doft once accidentally became a meme in the '90s for his unfortunate hairstyle, proving that history has a way of being a bit too relatable..
• Headline: LEO M. SULLIVAN. Impact: Leo M. Sullivan’s rise in prominence somehow causes a butterfly effect where every Leo from then on feels entitled to be in the spotlight, leading to an influx of Leos running for office and a dramatic increase in the number of poorly written campaign slogans.. Fact: Leo M. Sullivan once tried to adopt a lion as a pet; it turns out, they don’t make great housemates unless you enjoy being on the endangered species list..
• Headline: East Europe's Peace. Impact: Prof Borsody's insights on East Europe's peace process led to every academic ever to suddenly think they were an expert on international relations, causing more chaos than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.. Fact: Borsody's theory was so complex that even the world’s top diplomats had to consult Google before responding, ensuring that 'baffle them with brilliance' became a new diplomatic strategy..
• Headline: Governor Backs Report Urging Major Abortion Law Reforms; Rockefeller Backs Abortion Reform. Impact: Governor Rockefeller’s backing of major abortion law reforms led to a nationwide trend where every politician suddenly became an ‘expert’ in women’s health, resulting in more pamphlets than actual reforms. It’s like trying to fix a car with a brochure.. Fact: Rockefeller's support was so influential that it led to the creation of an underground activist group called 'Rockefeller's Regrets'..
• Headline: U.S. Held Lax in Drive On Drunken Motorists. Impact: The U.S. holding lax laws on drunken motorists sparked an international competition where countries started comparing their enforcement tactics like they were trading baseball cards, leading to a bizarre ‘Drunk Driving Olympics’ in the 80s.. Fact: Brits often joke that their strict laws on drunken driving were inspired by a nationwide bet on who could drink more and still walk a straight line. Spoiler alert: no one won..
• Headline: Robards Joins Up; News of the Rialto. Impact: Robards joining up in the Rialto led to a sudden surge in theatrical performances where everyone felt they could be the next big star. This created a reality show phenomenon where aspiring actors had to survive in a theatre for a month without ever leaving.. Fact: The Tony Awards disputes were so heated that they could have been mistaken for a reality show pilot. 'Survivor: Theatre Edition' was almost greenlit..
• Headline: Open Tennis Is Approved by World Federation; NO DISSENT HEARD. Impact: The approval of open tennis by the World Federation led to so many players switching between amateur and pro that it sparked a new trend in job-hopping. Soon, everyone was trying to be a part-time tennis player while holding down five other jobs.. Fact: The unanimous approval was so unexpected that it caused a temporary rift in the universe, leading to the bizarre phenomenon of tennis balls being used as stress relief toys at corporate meetings..