MARCH 14, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: East Side Heliport Approved by Planners. Impact: The approval of the heliport led to a future where every New Yorker felt the need to take a helicopter to brunch, ultimately resulting in severe traffic jams in the sky and the invention of airborne yoga classes. Thanks, NYC!. Fact: Did you know that the noise from helicopters is so bad that some people actually prefer the sweet sound of a subway rat fight instead?.
• Headline: Student Protests Erupt Across Poland. Impact: The student protests sparked by clashes with police eventually inspired a whole generation of activists who would later realize that social media is a much safer way to voice dissent—just a few clicks away from their parents’ basement!. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'student uprising' is often followed by 'and they still didn't do their homework.'.
• Headline: McCarthy Surges in NH Primary Vote. Impact: McCarthy’s unexpected popularity in New Hampshire set off a series of events where every political candidate after him felt the pressure to be the quirky underdog, leading to a future where politicians wore ironic t-shirts and hosted podcasts.. Fact: Did you know that the last thing a politician wants is to be too popular? It’s like being the only sober person at a party..
• Headline: JOHNSON SEEKING WAYS TO RECOVER INITIATIVE IN WAR; Any Retreat Is Ruled Out as His Key Advisers Pursue Broad Policy Review Johnson Seeking Ways to Regain War Initiative. Impact: Johnson's relentless pursuit of the war initiative ensured that future presidents would find themselves knee-deep in military decisions, leading to endless debates about whether to bomb or bribe, all while trying to look good on TV.. Fact: Did you know that 'initiative' in politics usually means trying to figure out how to get out of a mess without admitting you made it in the first place?.
• Headline: FRIENDS DESCRIBE PLANE HIJACKERS; Call 3 Homesick for Cuba -- 'Hostage' Lost His Nerve. Impact: The hijacking incident inadvertently inspired a new genre of action movies where the hero always manages to negotiate with the hijackers while preparing a three-course meal, proving that even in crisis, culinary skills can save the day.. Fact: Did you know that panic and poor planning are actually the secret ingredients to any good hijacking plot?.
• Headline: MALIK, BACK AT U.N., DEPLORES COLD WAR. Impact: Ambassador Malik's condemnation of the Cold War led to a future where diplomats became the original social media influencers, each trying to outdo the other in dramatic speeches and flair, paving the way for the reality TV show 'Real Diplomats of the UN.'. Fact: Fun fact: The Cold War was basically just a really long, awkward silence between two superpowers waiting for the other to blink..
• Headline: McCarthy Says, 'I Think I Can Get the Nomination'; McCarthy Says After Big New Hampshire Vote, 'I Think I Can Get the Nomination' KENNEDY'S PLANS HELD IMMATERIAL Senator Says He Would Be Glad to Have President Campaign in Wisconsin. Impact: McCarthy's confidence in getting the nomination encouraged future candidates to make bold claims, resulting in a political landscape where outlandish promises became the norm, and voters learned to take every slogan with a grain of salt—or a whole salt shaker.. Fact: Did you know? Politicians saying 'I think I can get the nomination' is like a toddler claiming they can reach the cookie jar without climbing on the counter..
• Headline: Izvestia Terms Vote Protest Against War. Impact: Izvestia’s nod to the protest vote against the war unwittingly set the stage for future newspapers to become the unofficial cheerleaders of social movements, ultimately leading to a world where headlines could be more dramatic than the events themselves.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more popular than a protest vote? A protest potluck—everyone brings their grievances along with a dish!.
• Headline: A Student for McCarthy Samuel Winfred Brown Jr.. Impact: Samuel Winfred Brown Jr.'s biography became the first of many student profiles that would eventually lead to the rise of 'influencer culture' on campuses, where every student suddenly had an online persona and a coffee shop endorsement.. Fact: Did you know that being a 'student for McCarthy' was basically the 1960s version of being a TikTok star? Just with fewer followers and more pamphlets..
• Headline: KHESANH DISTURBS MANY IN MARINES; Some Voice Objections to a Static Defense but Doubt a Dienbienphu Parallel Static Defense at Khesanh Disturbs Many Marines. Impact: The static defense at Khesanh led to military strategies that would confuse future generals into thinking that being stationary was actually a good idea, paving the way for a future where war strategy meetings resembled planning a camping trip.. Fact: Fun fact: Static defense is just military jargon for 'let's hope nothing happens while we sit here and drink coffee.'.