FEBRUARY 19, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kennedy's Last-Minute Vice Presidential Talks. Impact: If JFK had successfully replaced Johnson, we might have been spared the Great Society and Vietnam War altogether. Who knows? The timeline could have gone from 'Ask not what your country can do for you' to 'Ask not what your running mate can do to ruin everything.'. Fact: Three days before his assassination, JFK was clearly too busy plotting a political coup to check his calendar. Because what better time to plan a shake-up than when you're about to be shot?.
• Headline: Japan-U.S. Collaborate on Oregon Aluminum Plant. Impact: This seemingly innocuous aluminum plant paved the way for a global obsession with lightweight materials. We might just have Japan to thank for your next aluminum can crush-off contest. Fact: Because nothing screams 'international cooperation' quite like a multi-million dollar aluminum plant in Oregon. I bet they also discussed the best sushi spots in Portland.
• Headline: Athens Envoy Planning to Meet King. Impact: This envoy could have set off a chain reaction of diplomatic efforts that might have altered the future of Greece. Instead, it probably just ended up being a misguided group chat with no one responding. Fact: Sending envoys is so old school. These days, they’d just send a tweet and hope for a DM back from the King. #RoyalProblems.
• Headline: CLASH WITH STATE MAY COST CITY AID; Rockefeller Assistants Cool to $300-Million Request in Wake of Sanitation Fight Clash With State May Cost City Aid. Impact: This sanitation squabble could have spiraled into a full-blown 'who can throw trash better' competition, with cities everywhere trying to out-scrap each other for state funds. The aftermath? A nationwide trash heap of epic proportions. Fact: Ah yes, nothing says ‘efficient government’ quite like infighting over garbage. I can see the campaign slogans: 'Lindsay: The Man Who Knows His Trash!'.
• Headline: SOVIET EXHORTED ON CONSUMER GAP; Kosygin Warns Industry to Catch Up to U.S. on Goods. Impact: Kosygin's warnings probably led to a flurry of Soviet production efforts that resulted in some delightfully questionable consumer goods. Think of it as the USSR's version of 'keeping up with the Joneses'—except the Joneses were making sneakers, and the Soviets were making... well, whatever that was. Fact: Kosygin's exhortation to catch up with the U.S. is a chilling reminder that even in the Cold War, the true enemy was always the lack of quality consumer goods. Imagine a world where Soviet sneakers had the same traction as American ones!.
• Headline: Plane Downed, Hanoi Says. Impact: The downing of this plane could have escalated tensions, possibly leading to further military actions and a series of unfortunate events that would alter the landscape of U.S.-Vietnam relations forever. It's like playing dominoes, but with fighter jets. Fact: The downing of U.S. planes would become a common theme, but remember, it’s all fun and games until someone loses a pilot. Then it’s just tragedy.
• Headline: U. S. AGAIN ISSUES PUEBLO WARNING; Cautions North Koreans Not to Punish the 82 Surviving Crewmen of Seized Ship U.S. AGAIN ISSUES PUEBLO WARNING. Impact: This warning could have prevented further diplomatic fallout, which might have avoided a series of escalating tensions that continue to this day. If only they had the foresight to just send a strongly worded email instead. Fact: Warning North Korea is like telling a toddler not to touch a hot stove. Spoiler: They’re probably still going to do it, and it will likely be your fault.
• Headline: Salmon Crisis Alarms an Elite Group in Spain; Dams in Asturias Threaten to Diminish Game Fish Smoked Delicacy Sells for $10 a Pound in Madrid. Impact: This salmon crisis could have led to a gourmet fish frenzy that altered culinary trends in Europe, resulting in a dramatic increase in demand for smoked salmon—just imagine the hipster cafes that would have sprung up!. Fact: Ten bucks a pound for salmon? That's practically a steal today! I guess some things never change—like paying exorbitant prices for food just because it’s fancy.