JANUARY 28, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: Minneapolis to Introduce Minibuses Soon. Impact: If Minneapolis had minibuses sooner, perhaps the hipster coffee shop scene wouldn't have exploded on every corner, leading to an avalanche of artisanal everything and a caffeine dependency that transcended time. Fact: Minibuses are just like regular buses, but they can fit into your dreams of a more compact, less crowded public transport system!.
• Headline: Louise Nevelson's Plexiglas Sculptures Unveiled. Impact: Nevelson's Plexiglas sculptures might have inspired a future generation of artists to use the most absurd materials, leading to a world where art is made from recycled pizza boxes and broken dreams. Fact: Constructivism is just a fancy way of saying, 'Look, Mom! I made something with my Legos!'.
• Headline: De Gaulle's Vision for U.S.-French Relations. Impact: De Gaulle's foreign policy could have led to an alternate universe where France never invented the croissant, thus depriving the world of flaky goodness and making breakfast tragically dull. Fact: De Gaulle once said, "The graveyards are full of indispensable men." I guess he meant the French kitchen too?.
• Headline: Legality of Vietnam Venture. Impact: The legality of the Vietnam War could have been a pivotal moment leading to a future where lawyers are regarded as heroes rather than just the people who ruin family gatherings. Fact: Arguing about the legality of war is like trying to decide which flavor of ice cream is the healthiest—everyone has an opinion, but it doesn’t change the calories.
• Headline: THOMASSEN LEADS IN SPEED SKATING; Zimmerman Takes 500 and Maier 5,000 at Oslo. Impact: If Thomassen hadn't led in speed skating, we might have seen an apocalyptic world where people resort to slow-motion races, giving rise to a new genre of extreme napping competitions. Fact: Speed skating is just like regular skating, but with 100% more 'whoosh' and 300% less balance.
• Headline: Senator's Wife in Hospital. Impact: The senator's wife's appendectomy might have caused a nationwide trend of public sympathy for appendicitis, leading to a bizarre new holiday called 'Appendix Appreciation Day.'. Fact: Appendectomies: the only surgery that makes you feel lighter, but not in a good way!.
• Headline: Avalanches in Switzerland, Worst Since 1951, Kill 18. Impact: The worst avalanches since 1951 might have created a frenzy for avalanche safety gear, leading to a world where everyone wears helmets just to walk outside, even in summer. Fact: Avalanches are nature's way of reminding us that sometimes, it's best to just stay indoors with a nice hot cocoa.
• Headline: Archeology in Mideast Badly Dislocated by War. Impact: The dislocation of archaeology in the Mideast due to war could have led to a future where Indiana Jones is an actual job description and treasure hunting is a competitive sport. Fact: Archaeologists are basically time travelers, just without the fancy gadgets and the cool outfits.
• Headline: The Gidrolog Listed As a Survey Vessel. Impact: The Gidrolog being listed as a survey vessel could have led to a future where naval ships became the new hipster trend, with people hosting pop-up dinners aboard 'cool' vessels. Fact: Survey vessels: because who doesn't want to measure the ocean while pretending to be on a fancy yacht?.