JANUARY 23, 1968

Full News Archive

• Headline: Moon Ship Overcomes Descent Challenge. Impact: The successful lunar descent test led to a chain reaction of future space missions. This ultimately resulted in the invention of the space coffee maker, which is now essential for astronauts to survive long missions without caffeine. You'd think they could just bring a thermos, but no, we had to complicate things. Fact: Did you know that the only thing scarier than an unmanned lunar craft is the idea of an unmanned lunar craft with a caffeine deficiency?.
• Headline: Germann Appointed as Athletic Director. Impact: Germann's appointment to Columbia Sports likely set off a series of increasingly bizarre athletic decisions, culminating in a future where competitive cheese rolling becomes an Olympic sport. Thanks, Germann!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more exciting than being an athletic director is watching paint dry on a gym wall.
• Headline: Nevada Atomic Blast Creates Massive Crack. Impact: That 4,000-foot crack in Nevada sparked a nationwide interest in geological formations, leading to the infamous 'Rock Huggers' movement. Talk about a seismic shift in priorities!. Fact: Did you know that if you stand at the edge of that crack and yell, 'Hello!', you can hear the echoes of all the plans the government made to keep it quiet?.
• Headline: McCall Bars Morse Contest. Impact: McCall's decision not to seek the Senate seat may have paved the way for countless other politicians who thought, 'If he can do it, so can I!' This led to an explosion of mediocre candidates across the nation. Fact: Did you know? Not seeking a Senate seat is the new 'I’m just not that into you' for politicians.
• Headline: State and City Plan Hearings on Ending Posts of Marshals; City and State Plan Hearings On Abolishing Marshal System. Impact: The hearings on the marshal system were the first step toward modern policing, which eventually led to the invention of the police chase as a popular TV genre. Thank you, bureaucracy!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more thrilling than public hearings is the way they can turn into marathon sessions where no one actually agrees on anything.
• Headline: GERMAN REDS PRINT DISSIDENT'S ARTICLE. Impact: Harich's article published in East Germany was a small crack in the Iron Curtain. This eventually led to the rise of the internet meme culture, where everyone can express their dissent against anything, even cat videos. Fact: Did you know that in East Germany, the only thing scarier than a dissident's article was the 'banned' stamp on your favorite book?.
• Headline: U.A.W. MAY DELAY LABOR SHOWDOWN; Union Fears Election Losses Could Result From Split. Impact: The UAW's hesitation to confront the AFL-CIO created a ripple effect of indecision that led to labor unions becoming experts at avoiding actual confrontation—now they host more meetings than a corporate HR department. Fact: Did you know? The UAW’s policy showdowns could have been Olympic events if only they had the enthusiasm of a toddler at a candy store.
• Headline: Draft Protester Loses Plea. Impact: Oesterich's draft protest plea being rejected led to a surge in anti-war activism that eventually inspired a generation of students to perfect the art of sitting in protest—while simultaneously playing on their phones. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing scarier than being drafted was the realization that you might be spending your weekends in a protest instead of a bar.
• Headline: U.S. Admits a Patrol Intruded In Cambodia in 'Heat of Battle'; U.S. ADMITS PATROL WAS IN CAMBODIA. Impact: The admission of the patrol's incursion into Cambodia led to a series of unfortunate diplomatic blunders, including the famous 'Oops, we did it again' policy—proving that sometimes, the truth is stranger than fiction. Fact: Did you know? The U.S. admitting to an incursion is like your friend admitting they ate your leftovers—awkward and a little too late.
• Headline: Miss Kitt Defends Remarks on War; Denies Rudeness. Impact: Kitt's defense of her remarks on the war ignited a celebrity culture where opinions became more important than qualifications, paving the way for future reality stars to influence politics—because who needs facts when you have followers?. Fact: Did you know? The White House received 1,900 letters about Kitt’s remarks, proving that everyone has an opinion, especially if it’s about someone else’s opinion.