DECEMBER 23, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Latins Concerned Over Alliance Growth Delays. Impact: If only the Latins had embraced inter-Amer relations sooner, we might have avoided a whole decade of salsa dance-offs turning into serious political debates. Can you imagine world leaders breaking into a cha-cha instead of a shouting match?. Fact: The lag in growth was so severe that it inspired a new dance move called the 'Lag-a-licious,' which was never adopted, probably for good reason..
• Headline: LI Lighting Changes Gas Line Route Plans. Impact: Altering the gas line route might have caused an alternate universe where people instead used bicycles for everything, leading to a world where leg day is celebrated more than Taco Tuesday.. Fact: Gas lines are basically the adult version of a kid's drawing: they can be messy and make no sense, but we still have to deal with them..
• Headline: COAST COLLEGE HEAD SUPPORTED ON RIOT. Impact: The support for the college head during the riot paved the way for future university administrators to become accidental celebrities, leading to a series of reality shows titled 'Campus Chaos' featuring professors dodging flying furniture.. Fact: It turns out that handling a riot with prudence is just as hard as it sounds—sort of like trying to explain TikTok to your grandparents..
• Headline: Music: Oistrakh, the Master Violinist; Carnegie Hall Sold Out for His Performance. Impact: Oistrakh's sold-out performance may have inadvertently started a trend of violinists receiving fan mail from squirrels, convinced their music can cure acorn anxiety.. Fact: Famous violinists are often dubbed 'masters' because 'violin wizards' sounded too much like a fantasy novel..
• Headline: FATHER, SON SEIZED ON HASHISH CHARGE. Impact: The father-son hashish charge incident led to a new family bonding trend: 'Family Drug Deals,' which was promptly banned by every civilization that valued sanity and legality.. Fact: Trying to bribe a federal agent is the adult version of 'I swear I was just borrowing it!'—except with much higher stakes..
• Headline: U.S. POUNDS DMZ TO BAR OFFENSIVE; Concentrates Land, Sea and Air Power to Thwart Any North Vietnamese Drive. Impact: The pounding of the DMZ solidified the U.S.'s reputation for being the loudest neighbor on the block, leading to an era of noise complaints from all surrounding countries.. Fact: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If a U.S. plane drops bombs over Vietnam, it definitely does—just with a much bigger echo..
• Headline: Counsel for Marcus; Held in High Regard. Impact: Marcus's well-regarded counsel led to the establishment of a new legal precedent: 'The More You Pay, The More Loved You Are,' which is still debated in law schools today, usually over a bottle of wine.. Fact: Being held in high regard is basically the adult version of getting a gold star in kindergarten—except the stakes are a bit higher..
• Headline: GRENADE IN SAIGON HURTS 5 AMERICANS. Impact: The grenade incident in Saigon became the catalyst for the development of superhero comic books featuring 'The Grenade Avenger,' whose only power was to dodge explosions and complain about his luck.. Fact: Five servicemen getting hurt by a grenade is a tragic reminder that sometimes, it's not just the bad guys you have to watch out for—sometimes, it's the explosive surprises of life..