DECEMBER 8, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mass in Rome Honors Cardinal Spellman. Impact: The mass attended by Cardinals in Rome sparked a spiritual movement that led to a surge of ecumenical efforts worldwide. This eventually resulted in a new religion that combined elements of every major faith, known humorously as 'All-You-Can-Believe.'. Fact: Did you know that Spellman's funeral was so attended that they had to hire extra seating for the non-Catholic religious leaders? Apparently, the 'bring a friend' policy worked a bit too well..
• Headline: Senate Vote on Foreign Aid Bill Amendments. Impact: The Senate's decision to cut amendments on foreign aid caused a ripple effect, leading to a secret society of underdeveloped countries who formed a group called 'We Want Supersonic Fighters Too.' They meet bi-weekly to discuss their grievances.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more slippery than the Senate's amendments is the Senate's approval ratings?.
• Headline: Vietnam Report Stalled in Congressional Committee. Impact: The critical report on Vietnam being bottled up not only delayed necessary reforms but also led to a conspiracy theory that the White House was controlled by a shadowy group of bottle collectors seeking to preserve their 'vintage' reports.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'bottled up' originated from politicians trying to keep their fizzing opinions from exploding everywhere? It’s mostly effective, clearly..
• Headline: PARIS DUE TO LIFT ARMS BAN ON IRAQ IN A DEAL FOR OIL; Curbs on Other Arab States That Did Not Fight in June War May Also Be Ended ACCORD REPORTED NEAR Sulphur Deposits Sought-- Protests Against Policies of de Gaulle Rise in U.S.. Impact: France lifting the arms ban on Iraq for oil led to a bizarre 1970s fad where everyone started trading oil for arms instead of money. It was called 'The Great Trade of '72' and it was a hit until it wasn’t.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more convoluted than international arms deals is trying to explain them at a cocktail party?.
• Headline: $38-Million Still Left In Postal Savings Fund. Impact: The $38 million lingering in the postal savings fund eventually inspired a competitive game show called 'Who Wants to Claim a Fortune?' where contestants could win unclaimed money. Spoiler: nobody ever did.. Fact: Did you know that the postal savings fund is basically the world's worst treasure hunt? X marks the spot, but no one’s looking!.
• Headline: Dirksen, Erstwhile Johnson Ally, Suggests G.O.P. Might End War; DIRKSEN CRITICAL OF WAR POLICIES. Impact: Dirksen's suggestion that the GOP might end the war sparked a secret underground movement advocating for 'Peaceful Political Shenanigans' where politicians would trade their war strategies for cookie recipes.. Fact: Did you know that Dirksen's idea was so revolutionary that it led to the first-ever bipartisan bake-off? The war continued, but at least the cookies were delicious..
• Headline: Text of the Sermon at Spellman Funeral; A True Ecumenist. Impact: The eulogy at Spellman's funeral inspired a series of ecumenical events that led to the first 'Cardinal Olympics' where religious leaders competed in prayer marathons and sermon speed rounds.. Fact: Did you know that Spellman's funeral attendance was so high that they ran out of holy water? Not to worry, they just blessed a nearby fountain instead!.
• Headline: White House Activity Reaches Hectic Stage as Bridal Nears. Impact: The hectic preparations for the White House bridal event sparked a nationwide trend of wedding-themed political events, leading to the eventual establishment of 'Campaign Weddings,' where politicians would get married for votes.. Fact: Did you know that Lynda’s bridal supper was so fancy that it made the State Dinner look like a potluck? They even had a cake bigger than the economy!.
• Headline: Confidence Man Sentenced. Impact: The sentencing of R.C. Currier for jumping bail led to the establishment of the 'Currier Clause,' which made it mandatory for all confidence men to take a mandatory 'How Not to Get Caught' seminar before attempting their next con.. Fact: Did you know that 'confidence man' is just a fancy way of saying 'someone who really believes in their own hype'? Kind of like politicians!.