DECEMBER 6, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Justices Back Union On Group Legal Aid; JUSTICES UPHOLD GROUP LEGAL HELP. Impact: This Supreme Court decision empowered unions and led to a surge of legal aid programs. Unfortunately, it also paved the way for the phrase 'free legal advice' to be uttered 1 million times by misguided friends. Fact: The only thing more confusing than legal jargon is trying to explain it to your friend who insists they can represent themselves in court because they 'watched a lot of Law & Order.'.
• Headline: JOHN S. CHALMERS, FORMERLY OF TIMES. Impact: Chalmers' departure from the Times left a gap that was promptly filled by someone who believed that sensational headlines were the key to success. Spoiler: it was not. Fact: Rumor has it that Chalmers was actually a time traveler who got stuck in the past because he couldn't find a decent cup of coffee.
• Headline: President Signs $589-Million Health Insurance; $49-Million is Included for Rat Control--Peace Corps Bill Also Wins Approval. Impact: The signing of this massive health insurance bill, complete with rat control funding, inadvertently sparked the creation of a new genre of horror movies: the 'Rats with Health Insurance' series. Truly terrifying. Fact: There’s a little-known fact that rats were not keen on the idea of health insurance, citing 'pre-existing conditions' as a major barrier to entry.
• Headline: An Orthodox Service At Spellman's Bier Is Ecumenical Note; Orthodox Services at Spellman's Bier Sound Ecumenical Note. Impact: The ecumenical note sounded at Spellman's bier led to a series of interfaith tree-planting ceremonies, which ironically became competitive. Who knew planting trees could lead to such drama?. Fact: The Council of Jewish Orgns actually tried to plant a tree in every state, but ended up competing with the local squirrels for prime spots. Spoiler: squirrels won.
• Headline: Theater: Generation Gap; Auchincloss Offers His Ironic View in 'Club'. Impact: Auchincloss's ironic take on the generation gap inspired a trend of ironic everything, leading to a world where being sarcastic became the norm. We're now living in the age of ironic hipster coffee shops. Fact: The term 'generation gap' was once used to describe the space between two generations of people who simply didn’t understand each other. Now it just refers to how quickly your parents will text you memes.
• Headline: Devine Resigns as Mets' President to Return to Cards as General Manager; MUSIAL RELIEVED OF MANY CHORES Former Batting Star to Stay With Cardinals in Role of Senior Vice President. Impact: Devine's resignation from the Mets to return to the Cardinals sparked a long-standing tradition of players hopping teams, leading to the realization that loyalty in sports is about as real as unicorns. Fact: Every time a player switches teams, a new fan base gets their hearts broken, resulting in a rise in support groups for 'abandoned fans.'.
• Headline: U.S. Aides Admit They Got U.N. Report of Enemy Bid; U.S. For an Invitation. Impact: This admission about the U.N. report paved the way for a series of diplomatic blunders. Who knew that inviting the enemy to a party could lead to such chaos? It's like a bad sitcom plot. Fact: The U.N. once considered a reality show called 'Diplomacy: The Real World,' but it was canceled due to lack of actual diplomacy.