NOVEMBER 12, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Demand for Equality: Homosexual Rights Movement. Impact: This headline could lead to a future where rainbow-colored unicorns are the national symbol of equality, with all laws rewritten in glittery script. Who knew asking for basic rights could send ripples through the fabric of reality?. Fact: Did you know that 'equal rights' can also mean 'we'll get to it sometime in the next millennium'? It's like waiting for a bus that never comes!.
• Headline: Danes Recreate Ancient Iron Age Village. Impact: Recreating an Iron Age village might just have convinced modern humans that wearing woolly tunics and hunting mammoths is the new hipster trend. Expect a rise in artisan axe-making workshops.. Fact: Did you know that Iron Age diets included a lot of meat? No wonder they were so strong – take notes, kale enthusiasts!.
• Headline: Brecht's Schweyk Takes the Stage. Impact: Brecht's plays might have inspired future generations to question authority, leading to an era where every college student believes they can change the world with a poorly written manifesto.. Fact: Did you know that going to a Brecht play is like being told to enjoy a salad when you really wanted pizza? It's a whole experience of discomfort that you might just learn from!.
• Headline: Palisades Observatory Traffic Upsets Neighbors. Impact: The traffic upset could spark a revolution in neighborhood activism, leading to the formation of the 'Stop Traffic Before It Hits Our Children' political party. Future generations will know it as the 'NIMBY' movement.. Fact: Did you know that every neighborhood has that one resident who thinks they can solve traffic problems with a petition? Spoiler: it rarely works!.
• Headline: Mystery Clouds Release of 3 G.I.'s by the Vietcong; MYSTERY CLOUDS FREEING OF 3 G.I.'S. Impact: The release of POWs could create a ripple effect of goodwill, leading to future peace negotiations where snacks are exchanged instead of threats. Who knew diplomacy could be so tasty?. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'courageous struggle' has been used to describe everything from civil rights movements to getting out of bed on a Monday?.
• Headline: 'Black Power' and the Elections. Impact: The electoral success of 'black power' could inspire future movements to translate every social justice issue into a catchy slogan, resulting in an endless loop of hashtags that somehow make everything more confusing.. Fact: Did you know that political success often relies on more than just a good slogan? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: Taxing the Unemployed. Impact: Taxing the unemployed may lead to a future where the unemployed become the most taxed group. Eventually, they might band together and create an underground economy based solely on avoiding taxes.. Fact: Did you know that taxes are like bad relationships? You keep giving and giving, and they never seem to appreciate it!.
• Headline: JOHNSON INVITES HANOI'S LEADERS TO 'NEUTRAL SHIP'; Tells Enterprise Crew U. S. Will Press Peace Search to 'Corners of the Earth' CALLS FOR COMPROMISE But Washington Says Offer Doesn't Reflect New Move by the North Vietnamese Johnson Invites Hanoi Leaders To Meeting on a 'Neutral Ship'. Impact: Johnson's invitation to Hanoi could lead to a future where every diplomatic meeting happens on a yacht, making international politics a glamorous affair filled with cocktails and questionable choices.. Fact: Did you know that calling for compromise is just a fancy way of saying 'let's agree to disagree, but you still owe me dinner'?.
• Headline: TWO VIETNAM BOYS IN U.S. FOR SURGERY. Impact: The surgery for the Vietnamese boys could spark a future where all war casualties are treated with the utmost care, leading to a world where every conflict ends in a heartfelt reunion and free healthcare.. Fact: Did you know that medical care has come a long way since the battlefield? Back then, the best treatment was often just a good old-fashioned bandage and a prayer!.
• Headline: U.S.C. UPSET, 3-0, BY OREGON STATE; Top Football Team Loses Fort Marcy Wins Big Race. Impact: USC's upset could lead to a future where sports teams learn that winning isn’t everything, and maybe, just maybe, they should consider playing for fun instead of glory. Shocking concept!. Fact: Did you know that losing games can be a great learning experience? It’s just a shame no one wants to learn when there’s a trophy on the line!.