OCTOBER 18, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Celebrating the Feast of Succoth. Impact: As the Feast of Succoth begins, somewhere in the universe, a time traveler has decided to throw a wild harvest party, triggering a season of endless feasting that eventually leads to a global obesity epidemic. Who knew a simple festival could lead to such dire consequences?. Fact: Did you know that Succoth is also called the Feast of Tabernacles? Because who doesn't want to celebrate in a temporary hut? Nothing says 'festive' quite like a week in a tent!.
• Headline: Controlling Inflation Through Money Supply. Impact: The debate over money supply vs. interest rates leads to a chain reaction of economists running around like headless chickens, ultimately paving the way for cryptocurrency. Thanks, L.C. Anderson, for igniting the digital revolution!. Fact: Isn't it funny how economists can debate endlessly while the rest of us just use cash? Spoiler: cash is still king until the next shiny tech comes along..
• Headline: Daley Elected Chairman of Reading. Impact: W.R. Daley being elected chairman leads to a series of questionable decisions that eventually result in a reality TV show about committee meetings. Thank you, democracy!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more exciting than watching paint dry is watching a committee elect a chairman. Grab the popcorn!.
• Headline: Bridge Builder Honored. Impact: Honoring a bridge builder becomes a cultural phenomenon, inspiring a new trend in urban architecture that involves excessive amounts of steel and questionable design choices. Thanks, A. Embury 2d, for the modern monstrosities!. Fact: Bridge builders are the unsung heroes of urban landscapes. Without them, we'd just have a bunch of awkward gaps in our cities...and possibly a lot more swimming lessons..
• Headline: Soviet Capsule Is Reported on Venus; Jodrell Bank Says Signals Are Coming From Surface By ALVIN SHUSTER Special to The New York Times RUSSIANS' CRAFT IN VENUS LANDING. Impact: The Soviet capsule's signals from Venus spark a competitive space race that leads to bizarre interplanetary diplomacy. Little did they know they just opened a cosmic can of worms!. Fact: Isn't it ironic how we send robots to explore other planets while still struggling to get a decent Wi-Fi signal at home? Priorities, people!.
• Headline: 2 of Its 6 Seats Sold By Tessel, Paturick; TESSEL, PATURICK SELLS TWO SEATS. Impact: Tessel and Paturick's seat sales lead to a new trend in stock market gossip, where every seat sold becomes a hot topic on Wall Street. Welcome to the stock market soap opera!. Fact: In the world of finance, selling seats is like selling tickets to the world's most boring show. Get your popcorn ready, folks!.
• Headline: SALES SUSPENDED BY HORIZONS FUND; Rowe Price Directors Cite Growth to Unwieldy Size. Impact: The Spanish Duchess's trial turns into a historical soap opera that inspires future generations to petition for compensation for all sorts of grievances. Who knew a trial could spark a movement?. Fact: The Duchess of Medina-Sidonia was just trying to get her voice heard. Who knew H-bombs could lead to legal drama worthy of a telenovela?.
• Headline: Spanish Duchess Is Placed on Trial. Impact: Horizons Fund's sales suspension leads to a massive existential crisis within the investment community, spawning a wave of self-help books for financial advisors. Thanks for the therapy sessions, Horizons!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder than managing a fund is managing a group of people who think they know how to manage a fund? Good luck with that!.