OCTOBER 17, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Leadership for Greater New York Fund. Impact: The election of R L Perin led to an unexpected surge in fund-raising events where people awkwardly tried to outdo one another with increasingly extravagant themes, forever changing the landscape of charity galas.. Fact: Being elected pres of a fund is basically like being the designated driver for a bunch of drunken philanthropists..
• Headline: Supreme Court Case on School Aid Funding. Impact: The Supreme Court's decision in Flast v Gardner sparked a protracted debate over school funding that eventually led to the invention of taxpayer-funded 'school choice' programs, which now have parents arguing in the aisles of Target instead of in court.. Fact: If only the court knew that by debating parochial aid, they'd inadvertently inspire a reality show called 'Taxpayer Showdown: School Edition.'.
• Headline: U.S. Not Asked to Take Part. Impact: The USSR's decision to collaborate with the Jodrell Bank Observatory, while excluding the U.S., created a cosmic tension that led to a series of failed sci-fi films where aliens chose to land only in Russia, thus igniting a new wave of space paranoia.. Fact: In an alternate timeline, this event led to the first-ever interstellar diplomatic treaty, but sadly, it was all in Russian and no one could understand it..
• Headline: Nigerian Named to U.N. Post. Impact: Ambassador Adebo's appointment paved the way for Nigeria's increasing influence in the UN, which eventually spawned a secret society of ambassadors who met monthly to complain about the coffee.. Fact: Nigeria's ambassador was once asked to bring snacks to a meeting, which led to the introduction of jollof rice in diplomatic circles..
• Headline: Lawyer Sues Cassius Clay For $284,615 Legal Fees. Impact: The lawsuit against Cassius Clay for legal fees resulted in an entire generation of lawyers claiming they were 'too busy' to represent boxers, ultimately leading to the rise of amateur boxing leagues where everyone just wanted to hit something.. Fact: In a twist of fate, every time a lawyer sues a boxer, a cat somewhere in the world gets a new collar because cat lawyers are always winning cases..
• Headline: JAVITS WILL VOTE AGAINST CHARTER, BUT WITH REGRET; Sees 'Good Articles' Offset by Major Deficiencies and Package Offering. Impact: Javits's regretful vote against the charter inadvertently inspired politicians to start using regret as a campaign strategy, leading to a new wave of 'I feel bad about this' political ads that confused voters everywhere.. Fact: If regrets were currency, Javits would have been a millionaire by now..
• Headline: NATO Takes Over New Headquarters in Brussels. Impact: NATO's new headquarters in Brussels became a hub for spontaneous dance parties, leading to a diplomatic breakthrough where world leaders learned to resolve conflicts through interpretive dance.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the first dance-off led to a consensus on global warming, proving that sometimes all you need is a good beat to solve the world's problems..
• Headline: SOVIET REQUESTS BRITISH SPACE AID; Asks Jodrell Bank to Help With Venus Shot Data. Impact: The USSR's request for British space aid was the first step in interstellar cooperation, leading to the eventual establishment of the Space Olympics, where countries competed not only in sports but also in who could invent the most ridiculous space gadget.. Fact: The first Space Olympics featured an event where competitors raced to see who could build a better rocket out of household items—spoiler alert: it ended in disaster..
• Headline: A POLL FINDS PUBLIC OPPOSES NEW TAX. Impact: The Harris Poll's findings on tax opposition led to a new political strategy: running on a platform of 'no more taxes,' which, ironically, resulted in even more taxes because someone had to pay for the roads.. Fact: Surveying public opinion about taxes is like asking a room full of toddlers if they want broccoli for dinner—good luck with that!.