OCTOBER 2, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Predicted Welfare Crisis in City. Impact: The fiscal catastrophe predicted by the Teamster leader led to a series of increasingly absurd attempts by mayors to 'fix' the economy, including mandatory clown school for all city workers. Because, you know, laughter is the best medicine.. Fact: Fun fact: The minimum wage has changed so many times, it probably has a better resume than most city officials..
• Headline: Stalin's Son Defies Nazis, Faces Execution. Impact: Yakov's defiance against the Nazis sparked a movement of rebellious sons everywhere, leading to a future where every rebellious teen thinks their angst is revolutionary. Thanks, Yakov, for inspiring countless eye rolls from parents.. Fact: Yakov Stalin reportedly had quite the reputation for being a troublemaker, proving that sometimes, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, especially when that tree is a dictator..
• Headline: Tragic Hit-and-Run Claims Lives in Bronx. Impact: The tragic deaths of the children led to a series of increasingly strict traffic laws, eventually resulting in the invention of the 'safety bubble' car. Unfortunately, no one could figure out how to make them go faster than a brisk walk.. Fact: Hit-and-run incidents are like bad movies: they keep happening, and just when you think they’ve stopped, a sequel comes out..
• Headline: WASHINGTON PASTOR URGES STOP IN WAR. Impact: Rev Dr D Howlett's call for peace made waves that led to the awkwardly timed peace treaties that were signed on the backs of napkins at barbecues. Because nothing says 'serious negotiation' like ketchup stains.. Fact: Unilateral peace efforts often lead to unilateral misunderstandings, especially when it comes to who brings the chips to the peace talks..
• Headline: Saigon Riot Police Beat Demonstrators; Police in Saigon Beat Students Demonstrating Against Election. Impact: The police beating of demonstrators in Saigon turned into a global game of 'Who Can Ignore Human Rights the Best?', with countries competing for the gold medal in 'How to Suppress Dissent'. Spoiler: everyone loses.. Fact: The phrase ‘it’s a riot’ took on a whole new meaning after this event, as it became the go-to description for anything from protests to poorly planned parties..
• Headline: AMERICAN STUDIES DRAWING INTEREST; Pennsbury Forum Attracts 250 Specialists in Field. Impact: The growing interest in American studies eventually led to a bizarre series of reality shows where scholars debated the merits of hot dogs vs hamburgers while wearing togas. Academic excellence at its finest!. Fact: American art is often summarized as 'a lot of paint splatters and some questionable choices', proving that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder—or the art critic..
• Headline: State Human Rights Unit To Initiate Bias Charges; STATE RIGHTS UNIT TO INITIATE CASES. Impact: The establishment of the State Human Rights Unit led to a future where HR departments became the most feared entities, rivaling even the most notorious mob bosses in their ability to ruin your day with a single memo.. Fact: Bias complaints are like potato chips: you can’t just have one. Before you know it, everyone’s snacking on them at the HR meeting..
• Headline: CHILE RADIO SERVICE GETS BANK CREDITS. Impact: Chile's national communications system getting bank credits led to a massive influx of telemarketers, ultimately resulting in the invention of the 'Do Not Disturb' button. Sometimes, progress is just a different kind of annoying.. Fact: Bank credits are like the cool kids in high school: they either make you popular or leave you with a lot of regrets..
• Headline: British Soldier Slain in Aden. Impact: The British soldier's death in Aden led to a dramatic increase in security measures that evolved into the modern-day 'dad joke' about how to properly secure a perimeter (hint: it involves lawn chairs and a cooler).. Fact: Aden's history is like a soap opera: full of drama, unexpected twists, and characters you wish would just leave already..