OCTOBER 1, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Challenges of Displacing an Incumbent President. Impact: Attempts to 'dump' presidents have historically led to a game of political musical chairs. Each time one is ousted, a new one with questionable hair takes their place, creating a timeline where presidential hairstyles are the true indicators of national stability.. Fact: Denying renomination to an incumbent is like trying to convince a cat to take a bath—almost impossible and definitely messy..
• Headline: ... and One of Its Generators. Impact: The life-size wax effigy of an artist as a dead hippie inspired a movement of artists to create bizarre, semi-dead art installations that led to the modern trend of 'living art' — where you just sit around and call it performance.. Fact: If you think wax figures are creepy, just wait until you hear about the wax figures of people who are still alive. Now that's a different kind of scary..
• Headline: YONKERS TO BUILD MORE SCENIC DUMP; City Agrees to Follow Plan of Hudson Valley Group. Impact: The decision to beautify the dump set a precedent, and soon every city was trying to turn their landfills into tourist attractions. Who knew trash could be so trendy? Welcome to the age of eco-chic garbage!. Fact: Scenic dumps are the only place where you can enjoy nature while simultaneously questioning your life choices..
• Headline: Architecture: Full Speed Forward. Impact: The new design for the US Tax Court building could have altered the perception of taxation forever. Instead of dread, taxpayers might have felt a sense of awe—until they realized it was still a tax court.. Fact: Architects can design stunning buildings, but they still can't figure out how to make tax forms less confusing. It's a mystery for the ages..
• Headline: STATE UNIT ASKS NEW CRIME CODE; Restrictions on Confessions and Eavesdropping Urged by Special Commission. Impact: The proposal to restrict police powers led to a renaissance in criminal defense strategies, but also made every conspiracy theorist feel just a little more justified. Now everyone thinks they’re being watched—thanks, special commission!. Fact: You know the world is weird when even criminals are asking for their rights. Next up: 'Criminals for Congress!'.
• Headline: Foreign Affairs: America's Urban Cancers. Impact: This observation about urban migration led to a newfound appreciation for rural living, resulting in a hipster movement where city dwellers now flock to the countryside for 'authenticity'—which is ironic since they typically bring their overpriced lattes with them.. Fact: The irony of calling cities 'urban cancers' is that they often cure boredom—until you realize your rent could pay for a mansion in the middle of nowhere..
• Headline: China; Hong Kong's Turbulent Neighbors. Impact: The resolution of Hong Kong-Chinese conflicts led to a ripple effect where neighboring countries began to rethink their diplomatic strategies. Now everyone’s playing a high-stakes game of chess, while the rest of us are still trying to figure out checkers.. Fact: The only thing more turbulent than international relations in this region is the stock market after a spicy dinner..
• Headline: Pipeline Interest Acquired. Impact: Clark Oil's acquisition of pipeline interest sparked an oil rush that had people digging in their backyards, convinced they could strike it rich. Spoiler: they mostly found old shoes and questionable garden gnomes.. Fact: The only thing more boring than reading about pipelines is actually watching paint dry. So, you know, enjoy..