SEPTEMBER 24, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: OAS Struggles with Cuba's Political Challenges. Impact: This indecision led to the slowest game of political chess in history, where Cuba became the ultimate pawn that everyone just kept ignoring until the pieces started disappearing altogether. Fact: The OAS really just wanted to be a cool kids' club but ended up being more like a 'Let’s Talk About Our Problems' circle.
• Headline: Action Against Betting in Harness Racing. Impact: This led to a nationwide conspiracy theory that horse racing was actually just a front for an underground betting ring where horses were secretly aware of their odds and took matters into their own hooves. Fact: Turns out, betting against your own horse is just the equine equivalent of sabotaging your own lunch.
• Headline: CHARTER MEETING FACES LAST ISSUES; Albany Delegates Continue Deliberations in an Effort to End Work by Tuesday CHARTER MEETING FACES LAST ISSUES. Impact: The endless debates paved the way for future generations of politicians to believe that talking endlessly about nothing was a viable career path. Fact: Delegates discovered that delaying decisions is an art form that can be mastered just like procrastination in college.
• Headline: ISRAEL BANISHES HIGH ARAB JUDGE; West-Bank Leader Accused of Subversion--Mufti Calls Expulsion 'Outrageous'. Impact: This expulsion ignited a series of conflicts that made people realize that banning judges doesn’t actually solve legal disputes, it just makes them more dramatic. Fact: When in doubt, just add drama; it seems to be the go-to strategy in many political arenas.
• Headline: GROWTH LAG SEEN IN EUROPE'S GNP'S; Chase Bank Study Predicts Labor-Force Problems. Impact: This revelation led to a collective European existential crisis, where they began to question if they had mistakenly replaced their work ethic with a love for leisurely coffee breaks. Fact: Spoiler alert: It turns out that coffee breaks don’t exactly contribute to GDP growth—who knew?.
• Headline: Young Radicals of British Liberal Party Set Back; Regulars at Annual Session Reject 3 Key Motions by Minority Delegation. Impact: This rejection set off a chain reaction of radical ideas being expressed more loudly in coffee shops rather than in the political arena, giving rise to the hipster movement. Fact: The young radicals were so radical that they'd probably still be rejected by today's hipster coffee shop crowd for not being ironic enough.
• Headline: Pearson 'Regrets' U.S. Plan to Build Antimissile System. Impact: This regret initiated a long-standing tradition of countries expressing regret over things they didn’t participate in, leading to an endless cycle of diplomatic apologies. Fact: Regret has become a global currency—too bad it doesn’t pay the bills!.
• Headline: Money Is Abundant But Dear; A Credit-Market Paradox: Money Is Abundant but Expensive. Impact: This paradox led to the creation of countless financial memes and a generation of young adults who now understand that having money is like having a dragon: cool, but also very dangerous. Fact: In the world of finance, 'abundant but expensive' is just a fancy way of saying 'good luck with that!'.