SEPTEMBER 23, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Shelling Intensifies at Conthien Marine Outpost. Impact: The relentless shelling at Conthien led to secret meetings in the Pentagon where they decided to invest in a revolutionary new strategy: sending more marines to places where they might actually survive. This would later inspire the creation of the phrase 'let's not do that again.'. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'conthien' is actually a local dialect for 'we have no idea what we're doing'? Just kidding. But it might as well be..
• Headline: Revolutionizing Map Making for the Army. Impact: This technological leap allowed the military to map out all those places they weren't going to invade anyway, saving countless hours of confusion and a few trees in the process. Who knew saving paper could lead to such strategic advancement?. Fact: Did you know that the computer used for this mapping was so advanced that it could even predict which coffee the generals would spill on their maps? Spoiler: it was always coffee..
• Headline: Police Dogs Controversy in Newark. Impact: This outcry led to future police departments investing in therapy dogs instead of attack dogs, paving the way for a new trend where police dogs would be more likely to comfort than confront. Take that, biting!. Fact: Fun fact: you could train a dog to do almost anything, except for vote. Which is ironic, considering how some humans behave during elections..
• Headline: RECAPTURED AREA GREETS NIGERIANS; Villagers in Midwest Signal 'One Nation' to Soldiers. Impact: The joyous reception of the Nigerian soldiers sparked a wave of nationalism that would ripple through the decades, inspiring countless 'One Nation' themes in future African nations and a really awkward karaoke night in a bar in Lagos.. Fact: Did you know that 'One Nation' was also the name of a popular Nigerian band? They were not as popular as they could have been, but they definitely knew how to throw a good party!.
• Headline: Haiti Dedicates Jet Terminal. Impact: The dedication of this terminal caused a surge in travel to Haiti, leading to an unexpected influx of tourists who were more interested in the local rum than the local culture. The rum industry never looked back.. Fact: Did you know that the first jet terminal was originally just a fancy shed where they decided that 'jet' sounded cooler than 'plane'? True story!.
• Headline: REUTHER SAYS FORD FAILS TO TALK ISSUES. Impact: This statement sparked a series of meetings that would eventually lead to Ford's infamous 'talking car' initiative, which allowed vehicles to express their feelings about being stuck in traffic. It really changed the way we think about road rage.. Fact: Did you know that the only issue Ford was willing to talk about was the color of the new models? Apparently, 'blue' was a hot topic..
• Headline: Teamsters and Truckers Here Continue Talks After Deadline. Impact: This prolonged negotiation led to the creation of the first-ever Teamster Coffee Break, establishing a precedent where workers would negotiate while simultaneously discussing the best donut flavors. Sweet victory!. Fact: Did you know that the Teamsters used to be called the 'Team of Truckers'? It was too long, so they went with Teamsters instead. Shorter and snappier!.
• Headline: JOHNSON DEFENDS PRICE OF THE WAR; Says U.S. Stand in Vietnam Makes Far Heavier Cost Less Likely in Future JOHNSON DEFENDS PRICE OF THE WAR. Impact: Johnson's defense led to a long-standing debate about the costs of war that would echo through the ages, resulting in endless political discussions in bars, coffee shops, and your uncle's living room—none of which would resolve anything.. Fact: Did you know that many politicians have tried to calculate the 'price of war' but ended up just counting how many times they could say 'freedom' in a speech instead?.
• Headline: Arab Boycott Fails To Stop Coca-Cola; Plant Set in Tel Aviv. Impact: The defiance of the boycott led to Coca-Cola becoming a global symbol of rebellion, inspiring other brands to produce their own 'rebel cola' that never really took off. But hey, at least people got creative!. Fact: Did you know that Coca-Cola has had more boycotts than a disgruntled employee? And yet, it remains a favorite everywhere. Talk about resilience!.
• Headline: Expo Attendance Down, But It Still Sets a Record. Impact: The unexpected attendance drop led organizers to rethink their strategy, resulting in the absurd idea of offering free cotton candy. This would later influence countless events where food became the main attraction, overshadowing the actual expo.. Fact: Did you know that attendance figures are often counted with the same accuracy as a toddler counting to ten? Lots of enthusiasm, but not much precision!.