AUGUST 17, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jersey's Revolutionary Guard Inclusion Initiative. Impact: This decision to add Black soldiers to the National Guard not only influenced military diversity policies but also sparked a series of events leading to the modern-day debate on racial equality in the armed forces. If the Guard hadn't learned to embrace diversity, who knows? We might still be stuck in a time where 'No Whites Allowed' signs are a thing. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more difficult than getting into the National Guard is trying to explain why you didn't see any diversity in the 1960s?.
• Headline: Lindsay's Insightful Tour of Newark's Slums. Impact: Mayor Lindsay's tour of Newark's slums was a wake-up call that reverberated through urban policy changes. This visit eventually led to the invention of the phrase, 'What happens in Newark stays in Newark,' which ironically is now used to describe every tourist's experience. Fact: Fun Fact: Lindsay's nickname was 'The Mayor of the People'—which is ironic considering most people were trying to avoid him during his tour.
• Headline: Protest Against Nizam's Workforce Reductions. Impact: This protest by the ex-employees of the Nizam became the catalyst for labor rights movements across India. If the Nizam had played his cards right, he might have avoided a revolution. But alas, royal households are notoriously bad at reading the room. Fact: Did you know that organizing a protest is way easier than finding a royal with a decent pension plan? Just ask the Nizam.
• Headline: Three Baseball Players Fail to Halt Biographies. Impact: The failure of these baseball players to halt their biographies ironically ensured that every sports star after them would be forced to publish a memoir, leading to a new genre: 'How I Ate My Way to Greatness.'. Fact: Did you know that biographies are like baseball cards? They just keep piling up until you can’t even give them away at garage sales!.
• Headline: HOUSE APPROVES CIVIL RIGHTS BILL TO CURB VIOLENCE; Measure to Protect Civilians Is Broadened to Include Police and Firemen PASSES BY 326-93 VOTE Amendments by 2 Parties Are Numerous as 2 Days of Debate Conclude. Impact: By passing this civil rights bill, Congress set a precedent that would ripple through decades of legislation, leading to the long-overdue realization that firemen also deserve to not be attacked while rescuing kittens from trees. Who knew?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more dangerous than fighting fires is trying to explain to a fireman why they need protection from civilians?.
• Headline: House G.O.P. Unit Backs Bill Raising Social Security Benefits. Impact: This move by the House to raise Social Security benefits sparked a wave of welfare reforms that eventually resulted in the 'Don't Worry, You Can Still Starve' policy. Because who needs social safety nets when you have political rhetoric?. Fact: Did you know that tightening welfare rules is just fancy political speak for 'Let Them Eat Cake'? Bon appétit!.
• Headline: U.N. to Divert African River. Impact: By diverting the African river, the UN unknowingly triggered a series of environmental debates that would lead to climate summits, ensuring that future generations would inherit a planet where 'diverting rivers' is a casual Tuesday discussion. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than diverting a river is explaining to the locals why it’s happening? Spoiler alert: It usually involves a lot of paperwork.
• Headline: CONVENTION VOTES TO END BAN ON AID TO CHURCH PUPILS; Repeal Is Approved After 2-Day Debate on Parley's Principal Controversy. Impact: This decision to allow aid to church pupils might have led to a future where public education is indistinguishable from religious indoctrination. Just think of the school plays: 'The Lion, The Witch, and the Fundraising Campaign.'. Fact: Fun fact: If you thought getting a church to stop asking for donations was hard, try getting them to stop asking for taxpayer money!.
• Headline: Senate Turns Down Curb On Private Foreign Aid; It Bars Move to Cut Federal Guarantees on Investments in Poorer Countries-- Raises Service Charge on U.S. Loans. Impact: The Senate's rejection of the curb on private foreign aid ensured that U.S. taxpayers would continue to fund 'adventures' in poorer countries, fueling a legacy of questionable foreign policies and the phrase 'You break it, you buy it.'. Fact: Did you know that cutting foreign aid is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube? You think you’re making progress, but it just gets messier!.