AUGUST 11, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: House Democrats Urge Fair Elections in Saigon. Impact: This request for a warning somehow led to the creation of a time-traveling election watchdog group, which now spends its days in alternate timelines ensuring that all elections are fair. Spoiler: they're not.. Fact: The F-111 was so delayed that some say it was just a secret government project to develop the world's first flying sofa. Comfort is key during combat, right?.
• Headline: U.S. Pilots Engage MIGs Amid Civilian Casualties. Impact: This incident sparked a global 'How Not to Win Hearts and Minds' workshop, which, spoiler alert, is still going strong today. The attendance is mostly by military strategists who can’t seem to get the hint.. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, this event led to the creation of a new genre of music called 'war ballads,' which is just as uplifting as it sounds..
• Headline: Lunar Orbiter 5 Captures Moon's Secrets. Impact: Little did they know, those photographs inspired a future generation of moon enthusiasts to build the first moon hotel, which now doubles as a 'no gravity' vacation destination—perfect for couples who want to float away from their problems.. Fact: The Lunar Orbiter 5 had a better work ethic than most humans, proving that sometimes machines just want to work overtime for a little extra exposure..
• Headline: Bogalusa Negroes Start March to State's Capital. Impact: This march ignited a series of protests that eventually inspired the creation of 'March-a-thons,' where people walk everywhere for every cause, including the right to not wear socks with sandals.. Fact: The marchers were so committed that they even brought snacks, proving that no civil rights movement is complete without a good granola bar..
• Headline: William T. Thomson, Ex-Aide Of Home Life Insurance, 66. Impact: Thomson's passing led to the creation of 'Home Life Insurance 2.0,' a company that now insures your home against the most bizarre accidents, including alien abductions and spontaneous combustion.. Fact: Thomson was known for his keen sense of humor, which is why he often said he was in the 'life insurance' business to ensure people lived a little longer just to pay their premiums..
• Headline: Vittorio Valletta, Who Built Fiat Into an Industrial Giant, Is Dead; Was Major Figure in Italy's Postwar Recovery--Guided Company Since First War. Impact: Valletta's passing led to a temporary lull in automotive innovation, which eventually caused a massive increase in bicycle sales. Who knew the Italians would pedal their way into fitness?. Fact: Valletta was known for his love of espresso, which fueled his long hours at the office—because what better way to run a car company than with a side of caffeine?.
• Headline: BAR URGES PASSAGE OF JURY BIAS LAWS. Impact: This push for jury bias laws led to a nationwide 'Bias Bingo' game, where attorneys tried to spot jury bias while sipping overpriced lattes. Spoiler: They never won.. Fact: The American Bar Association has been urging change so long that some say they should just change their name to 'The American Bartering Association.'.
• Headline: Thais Weigh Insurance Curb. Impact: This insurance decision led to a secret underground market for policies covering everything from loitering to spontaneous dance-offs, because who doesn’t want to be insured against the unexpected?. Fact: Thai insurance companies began to consider 'natural disasters' as anything from floods to bad karaoke performances—because some risks are just too great to ignore..
• Headline: Hatfield Calls on G.O.P. To Become 'Peace Party'. Impact: This call for peace somehow led to a world where politicians were required to wear peace signs at all times, resulting in a fashion revolution that still haunts us today.. Fact: Senator Hatfield's idea of peace involved less arguing and more group hugs, which is why he struggled to maintain a career in politics. Apparently, voters prefer their candidates less cuddly..