AUGUST 3, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reds Stir Hatred Linked to Rioting. Impact: This headline sparked a series of events that led to an underground network of 'anti-hate' rally planners. Little did they know that their innocent gatherings would one day inspire the birth of the modern-day social media influencer, who now gets paid to spread awareness about 'serious issues' like avocado toast.. Fact: The term 'Reds' has been used to describe communists since the 1900s, but I guess we were all just waiting for a catchy name to describe the haters..
• Headline: Vietcong Attacks Near Saigon Injure Americans. Impact: The Vietcong's raid on the Shell Oil storage area not only caused injuries but also created a ripple effect of distrust, leading to an explosive increase in American oil prices—because why not make a profit off a war?. Fact: The '24 Americans Hurt' headline is just a reminder that even in war, numbers can be deceiving. What’s a few injuries here and there when you’ve got an empire to maintain?.
• Headline: Controversial Divorce Case Overturned. Impact: This divorce ruling set off a chain reaction that would eventually lead to the rise of divorce lawyers everywhere, transforming them into the real MVPs of the legal world. Who knew heartbreak could be so lucrative?. Fact: The original divorce ruling was by default, meaning someone hit 'ignore' on the marriage and decided to just keep going with life. Classic move!.
• Headline: More Ductile Steel Alloys Developed by Coast Team. Impact: The development of more ductile steel alloys led to a construction boom and, eventually, the creation of buildings that would survive everything short of a zombie apocalypse. Architects everywhere rejoiced and then promptly forgot to include windows.. Fact: Ductile steel alloys can be stretched 2-5 times more than earlier versions—so don’t worry, your dreams of a flexible future are still intact!.
• Headline: HOUSE UNIT BACKS 12 % PENSION RISE; Social Security Bill Giving Less Than Johnson Asked Also Curbs Tax Increase. Impact: This pension rise made the government look good for a moment, but little did they know, it would just lead to increased taxes later—because who doesn’t love a good financial rollercoaster?. Fact: The House unit's approval is a reminder that when it comes to politics, 'scaling down' is just code for 'we're trying to keep the peace while giving you less than you deserve.'.
• Headline: MILWAUKEENEGRO KILLED BY POLICE; Was Allegedly Firebombing --Rights Talks Asked. Impact: The tragic death of the Milwaukee Negro sparked outrage and eventually led to stronger civil rights movements. However, it also ignited a series of debates about police accountability that still rage on today. Good job, humanity—still figuring out the basics.. Fact: The irony of firebombing incidents leading to calls for rights talks is a clear indicator that sometimes, the solution to violence is more discussions—because talking has always worked so well, right?.
• Headline: NUCLEAR STRIDES ASCRIBED TO CHINA; Missile Attack Possible by 1970's, Congress Is Told. Impact: The warning about China's nuclear strides sent shockwaves through the political landscape, inciting a nuclear arms race that would eventually lead to diplomatic talks that sound good but usually result in more stockpiling.. Fact: The idea of missile attacks by the 1970s was probably a bit too optimistic, considering we were still trying to figure out how to not drop our phones in the toilet..
• Headline: Four More Indicted in Seoul In Probe of a Red Spy Ring. Impact: The indictment of four more individuals in a spy ring further solidified the paranoia that would define the Cold War era. This led to the infamous 'Red Scare' that made everyone suspicious of their neighbors, including the nice lady who baked cookies.. Fact: This spy ring was so efficient that it could have rivaled any modern-day conspiracy theory, but sadly, they lacked social media to spread their brand of fear..
• Headline: City Eases Its Religious Restrictions on Adoptions; HOUSE UNIT BACKS 12 % PENSION RISE. Impact: By easing religious restrictions on adoptions, NYC inadvertently opened the floodgates for all sorts of family combinations—setting the stage for reality TV shows about families that would soon follow. Thank you, NYC, for paving the way for the Kardashians!. Fact: Who knew that adopting kids without a religious bias would lead to a more diverse array of family dynamics? It's almost like society was ready for change or something!.
• Headline: Superjets Must Cut Speeds Over Land, Boom Tests Indicate; SUPERJETS FACING LAND SPEED CURBS. Impact: The speed restrictions on superjets led to the creation of a new generation of aviation enthusiasts who would end up being disappointed that they couldn't break the sound barrier on their way to grandma's house.. Fact: The sonic boom tests were probably just a fancy way of saying, 'Sorry, we can't give you what you want because science says no.'.