AUGUST 1, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: COMSAT's Profits Surge Despite Losses. Impact: COMSAT's first-half profit led to a global investment frenzy, causing a ripple in the tech world. By 2025, everyone was trying to offset losses with investment income, leading to a boom in questionable cryptocurrency ventures. Who would have thought a telecom report could fuel the rise of digital cat memes as currency?. Fact: Did you know that companies can make money in ways that have nothing to do with their actual business? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: Aetna's Landmark Loan to Arvida Corp. Impact: The $25-million loan to Arvida Corp triggered a real estate bubble in Miami, which eventually led to inflatable houses being marketed as 'the next big thing' in 2022. Who knew a hotel expansion could pave the way for a pop-up city?. Fact: Real estate is just a fancy way of saying 'we're all going to fight over land until one of us runs out of money.'.
• Headline: Fulbright Proposes Senate's Enhanced Role in Foreign Policy. Impact: Fulbright's push for Senate involvement in foreign policy led to an unprecedented amount of red tape in international relations. By 2040, countries were negotiating treaties that required approval from a committee of cats. Because, obviously, cats know best. Fact: The Senate has been trying to assert its role in foreign policy since before most of us were born. Spoiler: It rarely works out.
• Headline: Farm Prices Climb 3d Month in a Row; FARM PRICES RISE 3D MONTH IN ROW. Impact: The rise in farm prices set off a chain reaction where farmers started hoarding crops, leading to a nationwide avocado shortage in 2025. Thanks to inflated prices, millennials had to rethink their brunch options. Fact: Farm prices climbing is essentially the agricultural equivalent of 'hold my beer.'.
• Headline: Wichita Back to Normal. Impact: Wichita's return to normalcy after the unrest inspired a slew of city slogans like 'Wichita: Where the Rocks Don't Fly,' setting a precedent for cities everywhere to have overly optimistic taglines for their tourism campaigns. Fact: They say after a storm comes a rainbow. In Wichita, it looks like after a riot comes a very awkward community meeting.
• Headline: CITY ACTION ASKED BY PUERTO RICANS; Conference Calls on Mayor to Discuss Delay in Projects. Impact: The Puerto Rican community's call for city action led to a series of meetings that ultimately resulted in the phrase 'let's circle back' becoming a staple in bureaucratic jargon, forever haunting us in the 21st century. Fact: In politics, when they say 'we need to discuss this,' it usually means 'we're going to ignore this for as long as possible.'.
• Headline: RACIAL CONCERN VOICED IN CAPITAL; Young Says Time Runs Out on Washington Problems. Impact: Young's warnings about racial tensions in Washington led to a PR campaign that introduced 'unity slogans'—which, of course, did absolutely nothing to address the problems but sure made for some catchy bumper stickers in 2020. Fact: When politicians talk about 'urgent problems,' they often mean 'problems we’ve known about for decades.'.
• Headline: HARTKE ASSAILS CODE ON DUMPING; Moves to Block Agreement Made at Kennedy Round --Finds Legal Conflict. Impact: Hartke's battle against the antidumping code kicked off a series of legal disputes that eventually created a reality TV show where senators competed to block the most ridiculous laws. Spoiler alert: it was a smash hit. Fact: Politics is the only game where the players regularly change the rules to ensure they can still lose.
• Headline: DETROIT NEGROES CHARGE ATROCITY; Say 'Men in Uniform' Shot Three Unarmed Negroes. Impact: The alleged police shooting of unarmed Negroes sparked outrage that echoed through the decades, ultimately influencing the Black Lives Matter movement and leading to a series of protests that made social media a hotbed for activism. Thanks, internet!. Fact: Tragedies often become catalysts for change, although one would hope that we’d learn from our history instead of repeating it.
• Headline: Soviet Student Team Tops U.S. in Chess Tourney. Impact: The Soviet chess team's victory over the U.S. not only deepened the Cold War rivalry but also led to every American child being forced to learn chess in a bid to regain our 'intellectual honor.' Thanks a lot, Russia!. Fact: Chess is the only sport where you can lose without even breaking a sweat. Talk about a low-impact way to lose your dignity!.