JULY 11, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Leadership in Lutheran Council USA. Impact: This installation led to an unexpected surge in church bake sales that changed the course of American desserts forever, birthing the infamous Lutheran cinnamon roll craze of the 1970s. Fact: Did you know that Lutheran potlucks are basically the original version of modern-day food festivals? Just add a few more Jell-O salads and you've got a party!.
• Headline: Cabot Takes Leadership in Mutual Fund Sector. Impact: The election of W M Cabot as a high executive sparked a chain reaction in the financial world that led to the invention of the term 'financial wizard,' ultimately resulting in the rise of hedge fund managers who think they can predict the future. Fact: Fun fact: High executives are just like high school class presidents, except instead of organizing prom, they organize your financial ruin.
• Headline: Mercenaries, With Armor, Hold Airport in the Congo; SENATORS ASSAIL U.S. AID TO CONGO Democrats and Republicans Call Dispatch of 3 Planes 'Immoral Intervention'. Impact: This intervention debate inadvertently inspired countless conspiracy theories about government involvement in foreign affairs, leading to the rise of modern-day internet sleuths who think they can decode the truth from a series of memes. Fact: It's said that the only thing more confusing than U.S. foreign policy is trying to follow a family tree in a soap opera. Spoiler alert: everyone is related.
• Headline: Opposition Boycotts South Korean Assembly Opening. Impact: This boycott was the catalyst for a global trend in political protests, ultimately leading to flash mobs, viral hashtags, and the awkward moment when you realize your cat has more followers than you. Fact: Opposition parties boycotting sessions is like not showing up to a potluck—sure, you miss the food, but you also miss the drama.
• Headline: Bonn to Consult NATO. Impact: Bonn's consultation with NATO inadvertently initiated a series of late-night phone calls and awkward Zoom meetings that continue to plague international relations to this day. Fact: Fun fact: Consulting NATO is like asking your friends for relationship advice—they might have some interesting ideas, but you’ll likely end up more confused.
• Headline: Mail Order Sale of Guns Denounced at Hearing; Treasury Aide Shows Senate Panel an Ad for a 'Long Hot Summer Special'. Impact: This hearing ignited a debate that has reverberated through time, resulting in endless discussions about gun control that have been less productive than a sloth on a caffeine break. Fact: Did you know that mail order guns are about as sensible as ordering a pet elephant through the postal service? Both sound like a disaster waiting to happen.
• Headline: U.S. GIVES 5 GRANTS ON HEART RESEARCH. Impact: These grants paved the way for groundbreaking heart research, ultimately leading to the invention of the heart emoji and countless Valentine's Day cards that carry the weight of unspoken feelings. Fact: Fun fact: The heart is the only organ that can break without a physical injury. Take that, love!.