JULY 2, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Insights from Mystics and Zen Masters. Impact: Merton's contemplative musings led to a spike in hipster coffee shops touting 'Zen' as their main selling point, ultimately resulting in the rise of overpriced lattes and a cultural obsession with mindfulness that still plagues society today.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more contemplative than Merton’s answers are the long pauses that follow when you ask someone about their weekend plans?.
• Headline: The Paradox of Reading Guilt. Impact: This piece on reading guilt set off a global epidemic of book hoarding, leading to the establishment of the 'Read More, Feel Bad Less' support groups worldwide, where people gather to lament their unread books.. Fact: Fun fact: Reading guilt is a real thing, but so is the guilt of not reading anything at all—even if it's just the labels on your food..
• Headline: Zim Launches Ferry Service to Venice. Impact: The addition of a ferryboat led to an unexpected surge in Mediterranean romantic getaways, which ironically also became the birthplace of countless tourist complaints about how 'the sea is too salty.'. Fact: Did you know that ferryboats are basically the Uber of the sea? Just with less chance of getting stranded on a deserted island… usually..
• Headline: Pronounced Vla-DEEM-ear Nah-BOAK-off; Vla-DEEM-ear Nah-BOAK-off. Impact: The literary career of Vla-DEEM-ear Nah-BOAK-off became a mystery that led countless aspiring writers to mispronounce his name at book signings, resulting in accidental viral fame.. Fact: Fun fact: Mispronouncing a famous author's name can sometimes be more memorable than reading their work—just ask anyone who's ever butchered 'Shakespeare.'.
• Headline: If Hitler Had Won; If Hitler Had Won. Impact: The hypothetical scenario of a world where Hitler won led to endless debates on social media centuries later, giving birth to conspiracy theories that would fuel countless late-night discussions over pizza.. Fact: If Hitler had won, we might never have had to deal with the existential dread of a world where pineapple on pizza is a legitimate topic of debate..
• Headline: YOUNG G.O.P. CHIEF URGES PARTY UNITY. Impact: The call for party unity ignited a chain reaction of infighting within the G.O.P., eventually leading to colorful debates that would make even the most entertaining reality TV show look like a documentary.. Fact: Party unity: the political equivalent of 'let's all hold hands and pretend we like each other'—because nothing says harmony like a good old-fashioned turf war..
• Headline: Armed Forces in Chile Take Over Post Office. Impact: The takeover of the post office by armed forces added a new chapter to Chilean history, resulting in a bizarre trend of military-themed postal services that confused everyone but the most dedicated philatelists.. Fact: Did you know that postal workers are the unsung heroes of society? Without them, we wouldn't even know what a postcard looks like anymore!.
• Headline: Geiger Hunt Finds Some Lost Radium Needles; Geiger Search Finds Radium Needles. Impact: The discovery of lost radium needles led to a temporary panic about radiation levels, which was swiftly overshadowed by the introduction of the Geiger counter as the new must-have gadget for hipsters.. Fact: Geiger counters: the only device that makes you feel like a superhero while also reminding you that science can be a little too 'glow-in-the-dark' for comfort..
• Headline: A Designer Rebels Against the Modern; DESIGNER STARTS DECOR REBELLION. Impact: The designer's rebellion ignited a wave of anti-modern decor, paving the way for the resurgence of kitschy 70s aesthetics that we now ironically embrace in thrift stores.. Fact: Did you know that 'rebellion against modern design' is just a fancy way of saying 'I really miss my grandma's floral couch'?.