JUNE 20, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Boise Completes Deal with Divco-Wayne. Impact: The acquisition of a vehicle maker leads to a future where Boise becomes the next Detroit, but instead of cars, they just make really big potatoes. Fact: Boise is not just famous for its potatoes; it's also where dreams of automotive superiority go to die.
• Headline: National Steel Leadership Changes Announced. Impact: Two men named Harris and Redline lead the company to new heights, while simultaneously setting the record for the most boring board meeting ever. Fact: In a twist of fate, the company later considered hiring a mascot named 'Steelie McSteelface' to liven things up.
• Headline: Few Signs of Hope; First Day's Debate on the Mideast Is Mostly Some Harsh Exchanges. Impact: The harsh exchanges in the Mideast debate spark a thousand memes and a million misunderstandings, proving that some things never change. Fact: Debates about the Mideast could fill a library, but apparently no one wants to read the fine print.
• Headline: UNION 'WORK-IN' FAILS TO HALT AID TO RELIEF CLIENTS; Supervisors Help to Process Casework as Employes Conduct Seminars. Impact: The union's work-in becomes a blueprint for future protests, where everyone learns that discussing grievances is far more productive than actually working. Fact: The work-in was so effective that it inspired a new reality show titled 'Survivor: Office Edition.'.
• Headline: GOMULKA WARNS PRO-ISRAEL POLES; Remark Aimed at Jews Later Widened in Official Text. Impact: Gomulka's warning leads to a series of unfortunate events where Polish Jews invent the world's first secret handshake, but it never catches on. Fact: The phrase 'fifth column' sounds mysterious, but in Poland, it just meant anyone who didn’t like the current government.
• Headline: REAL ESTATE NOTES. Impact: The move from Manhattan to Rye is the first step in a long series of poor real estate decisions that ultimately lead to the rise of the tiny home movement. Fact: Rye residents are still trying to figure out why a real estate company would move from the hustle of Manhattan to the quiet of Rye, where the biggest attraction is a duck pond.
• Headline: BRITAIN TO GUARD SOUTH ARABIANS; In Shift, She Plans to Keep Carrier and Planes Near After Independence. Impact: Britain's military presence in South Arabia inadvertently leads to a future where the world wonders if they’re still 'guarding' anyone or just taking an extended vacation. Fact: British military strategy: if you can’t win them over with kindness, just stick around until they get bored and leave.
• Headline: Mills Show Lag of 3.1%; OUTPUT OF STEEL DROPS FOR WEEK. Impact: The drop in steel output leads to a nationwide panic about where to find the next big metal sculpture, forever changing the art world. Fact: Senators debating steel output are the real-life version of watching paint dry, just with more paperwork.
• Headline: Cabinet Members listed. Impact: The new Planning Minister leads to a future where planning meetings become the stuff of legends—mostly because no one remembers what was planned. Fact: Cabinet meetings are basically modern-day gladiator battles, where only the most boring survive.