MAY 1, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mayor's Initiative for Puerto Rican Progress. Impact: This initiative set off a chain reaction in urban political strategy, leading to an era of extreme pandering where mayors would name committees for every conceivable demographic. By 2025, mayors were naming committees for people who liked pineapple on pizza.. Fact: Fun fact: the term 'ethnic leaders' is just a fancy way of saying 'people who may or may not be paying attention to what the mayor says.'.
• Headline: Lenin Prizes Awarded for Peace. Impact: Dr. Niemoller’s and Rockwell Kent’s peace prizes became a blueprint for future awards, eventually leading to a world where participation trophies are the norm, and everyone is a 'winner'—even if they’ve never won anything.. Fact: Did you know that the Lenin Peace Prize is like the Oscars, but for people who are really into, you know, peace? And not just the 'I peace out of awkward conversations' kind..
• Headline: MISSILE SITE HIT IN NORTH VIETNAM NEAR BUFFER ZONE; Artillery, Planes and Naval Guns Batter Installation of Antiaircraft Units B-52'S BELIEVED TARGET Big Bombers on Runs Near Border Would Have Been Within Range of SAM'S U.S. Batters Missile Site North of Buffer Zone. Impact: The bombing of this missile site led to an escalation of military involvement that would eventually cause a butterfly effect that made 'duck and cover' drills a staple of American childhood. Who knew the real impact of a missile site was on recess?. Fact: Fun fact: B-52s are actually named after a hairstyle, proving once again that military decisions are often made with all the seriousness of a high school prom..
• Headline: A MILITANT PARTY BURGEONS IN INDIA; Martial Appeal Being Made by Shiv Senas in Bombay. Impact: The rise of the Shiv Sena party set off a political domino effect that prompted other regions to embrace their own militant movements. In a twist, this led to the establishment of the 'Bureau of Overzealous Local Pride' in 2025.. Fact: Did you know that Bombay is still recovering from the fact that 'Shiv Sena' sounds more like a yoga class than a political party? Namaste, comrades!.
• Headline: U.S. Restricts Yemen's Envoy To Capital, Then Lifts Curbs. Impact: The restrictions on Yemen's envoy became a cautionary tale about diplomatic relations, leading future ambassadors to begin their careers with a solid understanding of the phrase 'stay in your lane.'. Fact: Did you know that the real reason for the travel restrictions was that the U.S. was just testing to see how many diplomatic faux pas it could make before anyone noticed?.
• Headline: DR. KING ACCUSES JOHNSON ON WAR; Asserts Westmoreland Was Returned to Quiet Dissent Praises Clay on Draft DR. KING ACCUSES JOHNSON ON WAR. Impact: Dr. King's accusations against Johnson fueled a nationwide movement to question authority, leading to the future creation of social media influencers who are really just modern-day prophets with Wi-Fi.. Fact: Did you know that Dr. King’s speeches are still considered more enlightening than most political debates today? And he didn’t even have Twitter!.
• Headline: CENTRAL PARK BAN IS PUT ON ACTIVISTS; Heckscher Says They Upset the Pleasure Seekers CENTRAL PARK BAN IS PUT ON ACTIVISTS. Impact: The ban on activists in Central Park led to a secret underground movement where activists met in basements, inadvertently making those basements the hottest new venues for secret concerts and art shows.. Fact: Fun fact: Central Park once considered banning squirrels too, but realized that would be an impossible feat—the squirrels have a better PR team than most politicians..