APRIL 26, 1967

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senate Approves Historic Space Arms Treaty. Impact: The Senate's unanimous approval of the treaty to limit space arms set off a chain reaction in intergalactic diplomacy. By the 1980s, aliens were actually considering Earth as a peaceful planet—until they realized we still can't agree on pizza toppings.. Fact: Senator Thurmond's 'scrap of paper' comment led to an entire generation of conspiracy theorists claiming he was actually a time traveler trying to warn us about future space wars. Spoiler: He wasn't..
• Headline: King of Swazis Becomes Prime Minister. Impact: The King of Swazis assuming a new role inadvertently inspired a whole genre of royal reality TV shows. Who knew that a monarchy could be so entertaining? Tune in for the next episode of 'Keeping Up with the Kings!'. Fact: Swaziland was later renamed Eswatini, just to confuse anyone trying to find it on a map. Good luck, future generations!.
• Headline: EUROPEAN TRADE WITH U.S. GROWS; Common Market Has Stake in Tariff Talks' Success. Impact: The increase in European trade with the U.S. sparked intense debates about avocado toast, leading to the eventual rise of hipster cafes and the decline of productivity in offices everywhere.. Fact: The U.S. accounting for 1/6 of the EEC's external trade means that Americans were already in deep negotiating about tariffs while still struggling to pronounce 'EEC' correctly..
• Headline: OFFICIALS IN CAPITAL HONOR DR. ADENAUER. Impact: Honoring Dr. Adenauer in Washington D.C. sparked a trend of memorial services that turned into networking events. Now you can cry over a lost leader while secretly trying to pitch your start-up.. Fact: Dr. Adenauer was so revered that even his funeral became a hotspot for political selfies. 'Look, I grieved and networked at the same time!'.
• Headline: A NEWSPAPER LINKS 'PLOT' FIGURE TO C.I.A.. Impact: The newspaper linking a 'plot' figure to the CIA made conspiracy theories more mainstream, leading to a world where everyone thinks their neighbor is a spy. Spoiler: They're just really into gardening.. Fact: This revelation about the CIA operative was the first time anyone considered that munitions could be delivered via 'War Materials Pickup.' I mean, who needs drones when you've got a reliable pickup truck?.
• Headline: Peking Says Planes Felled Two U.S. Jets Over China; PEKING REPORTS 2 U.S. JETS DOWN. Impact: Peking reporting the downing of U.S. jets led to an increase in international tensions, which then inspired the world’s most awkward diplomatic dinners filled with passive-aggressive toasts about airspace boundaries.. Fact: The U.S. denying the reports while acknowledging four planes downed felt like a bad magic trick: 'Now you see them, now you don't!'.
• Headline: Stanford Honors Hayden. Impact: Stanford honoring Hayden caused a ripple effect in college awards ceremonies, where suddenly everyone was getting medals for just showing up. Thanks, Hayden, for making mediocrity glamorous!. Fact: Getting a medal at Stanford is like getting a participation trophy in kindergarten—everyone gets one, but only some actually remember it the next day..